Pang of worry

I am afraid of footnotes

Cause, I don’t want to be one.

An add-on minutiae of your life’s story.

I want to be at the center, the core,

the very starting point of your history being retold.

Not because I am vain,

but because you are all these things

for me.

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12/05/2014 Diary Entry

It’s Christmas-time again. The older I get the more often I find myself muttering “Already?” at each new milestone that passes. Already Christmas-time again? Already?

On January 3rd I will visit England again. This will be my 6th visit. I don’t know if it is because of the many times I have done this, or the changes inside me, but this feels a little more mature in feeling than the giddy impatience of last year. I am just as happy, but more pensive. My fears are starting to overwhelm. I have question marks dotting each thought I give to it.

I just feel old, if I am honest. I will be 41 January 12th. Plenty of people older than me, I know..but I am experiencing my own age and want suddenly to give it proper respect. Why lie? I feel my age. I long for things I pretend I am not missing. I can’t think overlong on love, it just leads to sad corners that have no doorways or windows. I know corners much too well, from my youth hiding in them. Corners have their place. Mine were the arms I needed as a child,  when real ones did not manifest like magic stories. So, I know corners are out this time. Better to just get on with it and walk my path more quietly. Hopefully, I will see things looking at my feet, that I never noticed while staring at the sun and stars.

Even sadness has value.

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Ready wings

Such solemn dreams I weave

with hands like ice, I cup your face,

and pray for more time, more time.

This heart is not wise, it is determined.


Determined to make broken things shine,

just as good as others gold,

don’t look at them,

don’t look!

Look into my eyes!

Look into my eyes that know you.

Know the worth of each tear shed,

each hope you leave behind.

You are life wistfully longing for itself,

as years of struggle pass.


Even hardship passes,

gives under,

falls away,

under the timeless pressure of age.


My hands are cold,

and you are restless under my fingertips

ready to live,

though you don’t yet know how

to go about it.


I need more time,

but sigh softly,

this is all I have been given.


My bird wants to fly.






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Beat box

Lying in this bed

With strange lyrics in my head.

Floating forward, on my edges,

lifting my feet off the ledges.

Noting old beats

that make a track easy.

Lyrically I’m off center

but, who notices the changes in tune

when it is the beat that matters?

This life could be ok

this life could be good,

If I can just get over

the need to appear clever.

Be ok with just being alive.

I don’t really need to make my mark,

I just want to know my heartbeat

was heard, when it pounded from my chest,

into your careless fingertips.

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Grow tall

We begin as little acorns

unable to conceive of becoming tall Oaks,

but wishing for it, evenso.

Looking high at those taller than we,

hoping they see our potential to grow strong

and develop deep roots.

Meanwhile, we miss the sight,

of the aged looking downward,

through their leaves,

marveling at how far they have come,

seeking to shelter us littler twigs from the harshest rays,

as we test our newly uncurled leaves,

and welcome our first birds,

to nest in open limbs.

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The Care and feeding of a Bekki

Congratulations on obtaining your very own Bekki model 1111 XE3!

Please follow these rules of proper handling, treatment, and understanding of your Bekki. Remember, if properly cared for, a Bekki should provide you lasting affection for your entire life.

1) Your Bekki is not an overly social model. It likes people and gatherings, but in small and managable doses. If your Bekki cuts loose in a rare moment of sugar induced hilarity, enjoy the entertainment, but be fully aware that for the next 2 weeks your Bekki will need to recharge and will react negatively to any suggestion of a repeat performance. There is a reason this instance is rare, your Bekki needs to feel completely at ease with those she is in the company with for this rare occurance to manifest. No matter how much you enjoyed the performance, any attempt to force the repeat of this occurance might damage your relationship with your Bekki.

2) Your Bekki loves to sleep, in fact will sleep and sleep and sleep unless something interesting is placed on offer.. This is best done the night before or after sufficiant 8 hours of sleep has passed. For full protection stand away from the sleeping Bekki when enticement is occuring, for your own safety. When in doubt, offering of a Breakfast-type food is a good bet, but may only work until the meal has been consumed and then the opportunity will be lost. Suggesting a follow-up activity will be met with consideration at that time. Time it well, never offer before first bite has been consumed (you have been warned). Activities that have a higher chance of being accepted include the following:

Shopping for anything but clothes
and did we mention Learning?
Activities to avoid:

Shopping for clothes
Shopping for clothes
Sitting Still for long periods
Shopping for clothes
Loud places
Crowded Places
Places where mingling is required
Shopping for clothes.
Wearing a dress is required.
and did we mention shopping for clothes?

3) Your Bekki is a very moral creature. She will not tolerate certain behaviors and will become unresponsive in future if you say or do something she considers unethical, demeaning to others, bigoted or somewhat crass, in nature. Your Bekki loves people but rude people with a lack of polite and kind behavior will quickly find themselves ignored, shut out, or completely unfriended by their Bekki. Her code of conduct will always be to treat others with respect, you may not realize you have offended your Bekki until she stops communcating.

4) Your Bekki has a design flaw. We apologize for this, however to make the Bekki as unique as possible certain flaws have been allowed in the final design and have become an integral part of the system database, to delete this flaw is to lose the entire system in a shut-down. The flaw is that your Bekki cannot pass a bookstore without going inside. The Bekki will freak out if not allowed to enter and may become deeply unresponsive if denied. The Bekki will become physically pained if unable to go inside and indulge her need to learn. The learning program in your Bekki is immense. It was created with an unlimited capacity for learning and, in fact, greatly enjoys adding new input. Your Bekki seems to most enjoy trying things after she has learned about them. She will be drawn to creativity and those who have it. She will respect highly anyone who has knowledge of something that they are passionate about. Even if the subject matter is not something the Bekki wants to pursue herself, your Bekki will have great reverance for those that follow the learning path.

5) Your Bekki comes complete with her own sprituality. Do not attempt to tamper with the religion programming on this unit. The Bekki has layers of belief that are couched in the very center of her programming. To remove her spirituality and insert a dogma of a specific religion will only result in a complete re-set of the unit, as the Bekki will not tolerate the new directives. Your Bekki will have extensive knowledge of all religions, those that she has not encountered will be of great interest to her. While she respects all religions, her selection of her own personal beliefs were solidified and locked into her during an earlier version of this unit.

6) Your Bekki will need reassurance often. This unit wants to be happy and will worry costantly about her connection with you. She will need to know that you are still there and continue to enjoy her company. She is a bit shy, even though, at times, she will appear chatty and extroverted. This program is extemely interested in pleasing others and thus, may appear to be at ease socially. This is a misconception. The Bekki will need more time to re-generate and replenish after any and all social interactions. Though this unit can and will interact with others, it is not a natural part of its being. Your Bekki will be polite at all times, however, it will be needful for you to pay close attention to the unit’s clues and be ready for when it needs to step away from the limelight and be alone. Failure to recognize that your Bekki needs to go home will result in crying, trembling and/or an expression of numbness.

7) Your Bekki has a sense of humor. It will exhibit itself only when the Bekki is at ease. If the Bekki cracks a joke, generally this is a sign that she accepts you as a part of her inner circle. The Bekki has a fear of appearing stupid, and therefore it is a form of high praise to be trusted with her less proper teasing. Once this ease is noted you will encounter signs of her humor at work. She will generally, in public, laugh quietly to herself or mumble something whilst smiling secretly. This is a sign that your Bekki has been amused. Look to where your Bekki is loooking and you may be rewarded with an insight into what has amused her. This could result in a much treasured moment of shared humor.

8) Your Bekki unit is extremely sentimental. She will have stories memorized and filed for re-telling. Every special memory will be pondered over and given great value. You will find, that if you ask, she will regale you with memories you were not aware you were creating. Do not be concerned if your Bekki leaks from her eye sockets at times, this is normal. If your Bekki turns away from you after you have done something particularly kind or loving, do not be alarmed! This is your Bekki’s shy side taking over. When the capacity for tenderness overflows the Bekki may react in this manner as well. It is the units way of hiding slightly, her vulnerability. Be assured your Bekki was extremely moved.

9) Your Bekki loves to travel. Along with learning, your Bekki loves this activity very much. It is something she will seek with the most energy possible, (which may explain the sleeping.) This unit hates to sit still. The Bekki unit that sits still in one place too long will get itself,very quickly, into trouble. If left too long in one place with nothing to do, this unit can and will manufacture something for itself to do. This is not always a good thing. Doodling, mischiefmaking, and shameful oversharing of information to any nearby will override her normal social propriety. This will probably embarrass the unit later as oversharing is not something the Bekki does without consequences. A small problem with this unit  in these situations is that  the Bekki tends to share things she is not filtering properly for her audience.

10) Do not attempt to change your Bekki. She is quirky, opionated, restless, and prone to worry. She is changable in mood, likes to curse at her computer, and will always cry in private, never in public. Treat your Bekki well and she will always trust you. This unit never disconnects a friend once she has made one. Keep this in mind when asking her to delete one that has become unhealthy or unkind to her. She will undestand the need to delete them, but will suffer greatly for the feeling of loss it leaves behind.

Once again, congratulations in obtaining your very own Bekki.

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Shintaro Ohata

“Born in Hiroshima, 1975.
Shintaro Ohata is an artist who depicts little things in everyday life like scenes of a movie and captures all sorts of light in his work with a unique touch: convenience stores at night, city roads on rainy day and fast-food shops at dawn etc. His paintings show us ordinary sceneries as dramas. He is also known for his characteristic style; placing sculptures in front of paintings, and shows them as one work, a combination of 2-D and 3-D world.”

You know you really like an artist, when you would gladly own anything they make without a need to consider. There is not a single piece I don’t find absolutely fascinating.

Find him here:Shintaro Ohata

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