The business of being Bekki

There was a time when I spent all my time on the computer.

It was 2008.

Z became my wake up call. I was soo obsessed with playing a game online I would zone out. Spend full days on the computer doing nothing but playing a character. She climbed the counter one day to get food from the cupboards because I had ignored her. I was completely gutted to realize I had become a zombie.

I took a vow and quit television and the internet cold turkey. For one full year I didn’t watch any television or log onto the computer except to blog and take college courses.

Instead, I went for walks with Z. Went swimming, got my learners permit, started online college, went bowling, played in the rain and read tons of books.

I lost 60 lbs. I discovered I have a gift for writing. That Z and I are magical when we are together. Learned who my daughter is. Learned how to cross-stitch as a means of learning patience. Learned that there is more to me. So much more, than a person sitting playing a game.

There were so many changes.

I divorced my husband. Learned how to balance my own check-book, how to buy things and budget my money. How to be a roommate, how to take a bus, fly internationally, how to take photos and laugh out loud. I learned how to love myself.

I learned…that I like learning things. That I like laughing. That people inspire me. That I like trees an awful lot.

It’s been 8 years and I don’t regret my awakening. I just don’t think I’m done yet.

I still can’t get use to watching television. I get ansty and need to move. The internet, I still use frequently, but’s about connecting, learning, and discovering things. I can’t play games for more than 20 min at a time without getting bored. I don’t socialize or spend time on chat boards. I spend about 4 hours online maximum. I do admit, however, admit to never being off my Kindle for very long..I use it for everything. (Reading, Skype, calender, work schedule, bus schedule, letters, blogging, music, photographs, calculator, and online subject searches to name a few)

When not using my Kindle I take walks, sew, shop, cook and volunteer.

It still startles me. That I have this person inside me that I like. That I want to make into more. That I seek to embrace and expand. I still want to see what else I can do.

So…I’m giving myself a challenge for 2016 to complete this list:

  • Travel somewhere for a vacation by myself. I’ve travelled alone many times, but I’ve never just picked a place that I want to go and just gone. I’m thinking I want to go to California for 3 days, even if I have to stay at some cheap-ass hotel and take the bus to save money. I wonder how much it would cost.
  • Buy myself an entire wardrobe of clothes that I like. I tend to only buy what will get me by. I’m soo lacking in pretty clothes I probably resemble a mop. The only rule will be *** I  have to buy what makes me feel pretty.***
  • Decorate my room with art and fabrics I love.
  • Eat healthy food that makes me feel good.
  • Make self care a priority. Yes, I can buy perfume, yes, I can buy lip gloss and hair dye and pretty hair accessories. It’s not being frivolous to make myself look nice. It’s not wasting money if it makes me feel good about myself.

There. I feel better now.



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August 21, 2016 · 9:42 pm


Graceful support

from one space into another.

A gentle surge from direction to destiny.

A sacred flow, that gathers the eye,

and guides the soul

into places much loftier and more profound.

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August 21, 2016 · 8:52 pm


When I let myself

I linger

on the windows into your soul.

Wishing you could be read like pages

instead of intuition.

Where I should be nervous

I find only waiting

too much thought to dwell, properly,

on how frightened I should be,

if it  happens.

You feel like

the home I haven’t found yet.



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August 21, 2016 · 8:46 pm

Notes to self: August 21, 2016

Do you really need 4 Paranormal Detective books on your Kindle at once? You should just give up and re-watch the Dresden series. If you need something you should go to the source.

Chocolate chip pancakes are not lunch. You need protein!

I get it, you like Tadashi, for the love of God stop saying Tadashi. You have issues. (Taaaa-Daaaaa-Sheeee)

If you keep Pinteresting this way you will go into a coma. Take a break weirdo! (4 hours is a bit much…blush)



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August 21, 2016 · 8:32 pm

A hard week

This week was very hard. I am struggling, a bit, to keep my balance. I  am incredibly fortunate to have the co-workers I have. They keep me grounded and remind me that things do continue onward.

The changes in the bus schedules is something I will have to deal with. The change is obviously severe, the wait-time going from a bus every 30 minutes to every hour at non-peak times (guess which one I am?)

What this means in concrete terms, is that what takes me 3 hours a day ( total travel time to and from work) has the potential to become 4 hours with this change. The major concern being connections between bus routes and times. To make things even more complicated they are also increasing the fare by .20¢. So, less bus for more money? Ooookkay.

What it truly means is less sleep when I am scheduled to close and then open the next morning, and more time sitting waiting for a bus in rain, heat, or snow (the one I am really most worried about. Snow in Erie is serious stuff). Well-meaning co-workers suggest getting a car. With my paygrade I’m not even slightly able to do that (you know, and not starve to death).


Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

On the upside, I have more time to read on the bus or waiting for one..(teeny tiny woot)

I’m kinda proud I was able to buy Z some cool things even on my limited budget. She’s collecting Ginger Snaps and I bought her 4 new ones.


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August 21, 2016 · 6:25 am

Humidity + my hair = Ack!!!!

My hair. Sigh*** This would be bad…if I weren’t laughing soo hard.


Can we please get back to normal humidity?






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August 18, 2016 · 10:50 am

It’s a two cup day


It’s called bedhead, shut it!


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August 18, 2016 · 10:45 am

The importance of being snail

Livvy was currently disgruntled by a new thought.

She always got extremely frustrated by Seth’s forward momentum. He moved, she felt, much like a thoughtful snail. Tasting thoughts, fingering possibilities, contemplating action. Thinking about doing, instead of merely doing. Livvy hated wasting time.  She liked to get going already!

She had always felt it was better to just get started and figure the rest out later. Only, the thing was… she often had to do a lot of stuff backwards.. that is to say, going back and fixing stuff, in order to go forward again. Sometimes the going back made the thing impossible to finish.

She had never realized it, until just this moment, but…Seth was slow and annoying- slightly, but he always seemed to end up where he wanted to go in the end, even if it took, like, FOREVER. He also tended to pull out tools, materials, and back up plans for things, she hadn’t even realized she might need until the thing was upon her.

She was disgruntled. It was vexing really. To realise that a snail might, at times, be a very, very good thing to be. Especially when your best friend, is a rabbit.

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August 16, 2016 · 1:47 pm

Slowly, slowly, slowly

I can be a rabbit

rushing headlong into excitement.

But, you are needing a snails pace.

Rushing only decides you that I cannot be trusted.

I must observe the snail’s wisdom.

Learn the proper way of you.

Appreciate the view, the discovery,

things I missed in my hurry to “get there already!”

I want to walk beside you,

which means learning,

how to hop like a snail.

Still me, but respectful.

Because you are a snail worth waiting for.

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August 16, 2016 · 1:08 pm

Mood-o-meter. The Bekki-barometer

(I can’t call it a selfie, cause it isn’t really me..and most likely, isn’t my artwork. It’s just how I’m feeling today.)

Mood-o-meter? Bekki-ometer?

Whatever. I’m just gonna keep calling it the Daily Selfie.




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August 15, 2016 · 7:20 pm

Daily T-shirt


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August 15, 2016 · 7:04 pm

One day

Can I hold your hand?

Let it be my anchor

for when I drift too far,

and need help to remember where I center from.

Let it be my strength,

so I know I have reserves during weak moments,

when my knees cannot hold me up.

Let it be my softness,

a place to be tender,

skin to cheek,

a reminder I can be vulnerable

and still remain myself.

Let it be my tomorrow,

a place to dream and wish.

Your hand is my home.

It connects me to the heart

that is my very breath.

Your heart, your hand.

You make me possible.



Poet Note: If wishes were fishes

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August 14, 2016 · 3:13 pm

Fictional characters

Don’t tell me fictional characters aren’t real! Fictional characters are more real than anyone. They are the us we wish we could live up to being, the us we strive to be because they are the best possible versions of ourselves.

My heros are often fictional. I don’t mind flaws in a human being. It shows we are something that can become something else.

Being flawed means change can happen. The beauty in people is often their possibilities of becoming something outside of those flaws. From those flaws rise up something reverent, something sacred, something to be respected. The longing to be more than just that moment of humanity, a longing to expand.

The beauty part comes in when the changes happen and the thing that was kinda broken, becomes something kinda stronger, because they are inherently more beautiful now, than they would have been, had they not started out flawed.

Beauty doesn’t know it’s value, until it has to mend itself. Then it knows, it realizes, that the beauty of flaws is in the earning back of something. The fighting just to be more.

Fictional characters are often a dream of what that one day could look like. An imagining of what those struggles can look like once realized. We respond to fiction because it isn’t fictional at all. It’s only fictional because it hasn’t happened yet.

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August 14, 2016 · 2:47 pm

French surrealist dream

SHK, I totally missed you. The dream was strangely familiar, I think I have had this one more than once.

I was dreaming, obviously, so stuff that was deeply involved and plot-like was lost when I woke.

SHK was doing a theatre play. The play was a surrealistic French piece. Totally nutty. For the first time SHK was completely visable and using recognizable mannerisms. He kept up a running dialog with a woman backstage prepping his on stage dialog. He even asks for clarification on a phrase and adds a French Non.

In the dream I was attempting to find him and speak with him, being sneaky to not have to pay the $20 entrance cover fee (obviously a very high-class venue).

The funniest part of the dream was the bathroom scene. Apparently no place is sacred to dream. In it SHK was doing his stage-bit. He pulled toilet paper that, to my American eye, looked like onion rings in a toilet paper configuration (This was surrealistic, after all )  could have been pastry for all I know. He crushed the paper, then devoured a Belgian waffle. Reaching over he crushes the seat next to his to the ground, this one is made of a sandwich of some type.

He then stands pants around ankles (artfully covering his bits…because he’s classy) and the bottom of his white collared shirt is covered in either whipped cream or whipped butter. (From the waffle obviously) He proceeds to comb his hair with the whipped topping (butter).

I woke up then.

That was a very straange dream, but the completely weirdest part, is the realization that I’ve dreamt it, every single detail, before. It was familiar. It was SHK’s dream and not mine.

My life is weird.

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August 14, 2016 · 10:40 am

I need an astrologer




Seriously, whoa!





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August 11, 2016 · 10:28 pm

Yod composite

I pulled a composite chart that signifies not one, but two Yod configurations! It’s called the “Finger of fate” and my head now hurts, a lot. Well, that explains a lot. Ps. I’m not insane..yay.



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August 11, 2016 · 8:51 pm


I walk slowly

letting my thoughts dictate my steps.

My mind pausing to trail,

ever so gently,

over a treasured discovery,

about the nature of growth,

and the path I am walking,

even when I’m standing still.



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August 10, 2016 · 8:36 pm

Untouchable love.

Just read the most recent episode of Untouchable. It has progressed so much from the very 1st episode. The newest was a surprise.

I don’t know who Vivvi is, but her comment below the episode had me chuckling for 5 straight minutes.

Hit. The. Nail. On. The. Head.

Ps. They need to get Ramen head back. I miss him.


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August 10, 2016 · 8:05 pm


I realized today, that I am incredibly lucky to have experienced some of the things I have experienced.

Growing up around many religions, for example, it was like a smorgasbord of choices. I got to see and learn about them, without having to decide what path I wanted to walk down. Religions like:




Jehovah’s Witness





(Just to name a few)

I have also learned, throughout my life, about cultures outside my own crazy mix of Indian (Cherokee), Irish, Dutch, German and English.

Such as:







French Creole



I have also traveled a bit and discovered that even the United States is vastly different culturally from other places within my own country.

Such as:





New Mexico

and Arizona.

I’ve also been extremely lucky to either visit a few countries, talk to people from other countries, and meet people from different areas of the world.

Such as :


Great Britain






Working at Disney I really learned that people have stories to share. Histories, rituals, and cultural experiences that make them incredibly interesting and amazing!

I could soak up these stories and share them forever and never tire of the retelling.

I want to share these experiences with you, let you see what I see. I am just really excited about people and their unique cultures and rituals.

Therefore, I am contemplating posting once a week about a different culture place or experience. I remember each experience like treasure. I hope to share these treasures with you.



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August 10, 2016 · 7:05 pm

Padum Padum

Padum Padum is the onomatopoeia that Koreans use to signify the sound of a heartbeat. I kinda love that idea. I wonder why English speakers don’t have a similar word. I like the idea that my heartbeat has a word for its essence of sound. It feels feminine and gentle, while also strong and masculine. Who says we can’t be both simultaneously.

Since we don’t have our own word, I hope they don’t mind me using theirs.

I also love the Swahili words for “I love you”. Nakupenda Sana. It just feels good on the mouth. If you want to make a ritual out of it, have your loved one respond by saying Nakupenda Pia. It means “I love you too”.

So…my list is growing.

Words and sayings I adore in other languages.

Xie xie– Thank you in Chinese.

Kamsahamnida–Thank you in Korean (Come-Sa-Mmm-Knee-Da)

Miane–Sorry in Korean (The M is pronounced like a B) Familiar (Informal)

Imja–Honey (Old fashioned) in Korean

Padam Padam–Heartbeat sound as described by Koreans

Te Amo, me amor–Spanish for I love you, my love.

Nakupenda Sana— I love you in Swahili

Asante Sana— Thank you in Swahili

Tuende–Let’s go!!


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August 10, 2016 · 6:41 pm