Bekki

The best backstory is the one you make up…

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I decided I couldn’t waste an opportunity to tease my friend Paula about her friend Joey (a fellow photographer)…so I posted this lovely bit of impromptu hilarity underneath…

@Paula Wallis

Ah! Darn missed opportunity. I should have strung this along a bit…

Yes, of course. He and I met at that place in Montego Bay, there was a fish..we named him Leroy. The one eyed man stole our table..no, he literally carried it away. Then, that storm hit and we all woke up wasted on the beach. The sun was roasting us like raw chicken. There he was sprawled out like a forgotten melody. He sat up, spat out some seaweed, and gave me a brotherly look, making sure I was hail and hearty after our night of strange occurances. I noticed Leroy clutched like a forgotten lover under his right arm, but don’t worry..Leroy hadn’t been alive for quite some time before even we found him…stuffed and mounted on the bar wall..He’d liberated Leroy at the same time he liberated me from some handsy sailor with a squinty smile… Anyway, there he was…this guy…clumsy as two left feet, but still clutching that fish. He laughed at my surprised expression and stuck out his hand like a broken water pipe and said Epperson, Joey Epperson…I shoot people.”

Honestly, I kinda prefer my version.

Bekki

People who don’t think about serious topics make me lose my ability to speak..

I’m all like

But….how do you?…what are you?….

Wha? Who? Wher?

Gah!!

Hippo.

People who think deeply cannot conceive of not thinking deeply..
To us it’s like choosing not to laugh..or dance, or sing.

Sure, you can exist without doing these things, possibly…(I’m told this is true)

But, why the hell WOULD you want to live without them?

It’s like sparklers without the fire. Sunset without the sun. Sleep without the dreams.

You can live in that world, but can you really call that living?

Bekki

The privledge of having money

If I ever have the blessing to be able to spend $1000 on any single piece of clothing, I hope I use that money like I worked a minimum wage job on 2 hours of sleep.

What I mean is, I hope I never forget how long it takes to save that kind of money on a $8.55 an hr wage.

If I ever buy a $1000 piece of clothing, it won’t be worn once and discarded. Nope. Not me.

I’ll wear the shit out if that mother-fucker, and then, I’ll personally take it to the thrift store and make sure they mark that damned thing as low as 95% off..so someone else can wear that $1000 piece of clothing too.

Or better yet, spend an equal $1000 on human beings for every $1000 piece of clothing I ever buy.

Because, $1000, for some, is a house payment, a family vacation, a diabetes shot, a medical treatment.

$1000 isn’t $1. Even $1 isn’t a $1 these days. There is always someone, somewhere, who sees your $1 as someone else’s $100. Poverty exists. It exists and because it exists..a $1000, $100, $10, $1 anything, is to be treated with complete and utter respect. Respect for the honor of spending. The honor of owning. The privledge of wealth. Even your $1 bill could be someone else’s wistful dream of a meal.

I want to live my life never forgetting what it feels like to save up for $1000 worth of anything.

These videos on YouTube called “How much are you are wearing?” make me want to vomit. Teenagers casually bragging about wearing what would amount to a small fortune with a laughing twinkle in their eye.

If you can be so casual about the extreme cost of all the things you are wearing…then, you don’t have a clue, how long it takes the adverage person to save up that kind of cash.

Respect the privledge of having money. That money is blood, that money is sweat. That money is hope.

As a Capricorn, your disrespect for the privledge of money disgusts me.

Bekki

Welcome to the Republican

They suffer from neglected precognitions.
They know only the path they
feel comfortable treading.
Solutions soft-petaled to the poor man,
like stripped screws.

They tell us they are visionaries
while walking suspiciously backwards.

Their shoes are the only ones, not filled with cement..
theirs..they fill with foolish-flecked sand, to build their castles upon.

 

Bekki

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I ordered these vinyl photos from CVS just to see how I liked them. They came out great! The vinyl is nice and thick and they have ready-made stands on the back. I like that I can prop them on surfaces without them having to be in a frame and the vinyl keeps them from getting dirty.

I definitely see more of these in my future.

Bekki

Application for an apartment

Omg…omg…omg…

I just filled out an application for an apartment I really, really want…

It’s a studio apartment which, is kinda perfect as I have very little in the way of belongings.

$485. If I get this I’ll be under budget…

UNDER BUDGET PEOPLE!!!

Cross all crossables.

All my friends know how much this means to me.

My own space to decorate, expand and cook.

I have sooo many ideas.

 

Bekki

Sometimes I wonder about the future. I know my writing is good. It’s such a part of me, it’s like my soul on display for the entire world to contemplate. Will the world ever regard me as something bigger than it does now? Will I know when the moment comes to shine my light a little brighter? Am I ready for the next step in my process?

I’m 45 but, sometimes I feel like a newborn baby. Other times, I feel as old as a tree. I don’t think I’ll ever finish learning that I am less than I think I am, and more than I think I am.

What’s that word that means existing simultaneously? Ah, yes..Ubiquity

I exist, and yet, I do not yet exist.

There is a book I am waiting to write. It’s called: “The Ubiquitous Tome”

For now it lives in my spine, this story.

Bekki

Moving update**

Sooo, it begins.

After 10 years paying 50-60% of my income to the state of Florida, I am now at the final paycheck with garnishment. And…honestly..I’m kinda freaking out a little.

See, what people don’t understand is that for 10 years I’ve had to rely on my family for a place to live because I couldn’t afford a place of my own. Having family to rely on is the biggest damned blessing of my life…however, the problem is that fun part of..trying to explain your circumstances to a potential landlord…

Yeah, have fun explaining that for the last 10 years your “landlords” were family..ohh..and BTW the proof of income paperwork might look a bit light because of the 50% garnishment of wages but “Don’t worry landlord I promise that’s ending this week”

Sigh***

I haven’t even started and already I am exhausted.

One really positive thing, my character references are all set. I have soo many good people willing to vouch for me. I have a job ready to go once I get moved, and my nephew is willing to drive my stuff to Wisconsin in his car for me to move in. The contents of my tiny room are laughable but, still all mine.

I’m reserving the whole “empty apartment needs filling” freak out for once I actually have an apartment to freak out about.

Gotta schedule these freak-outs properly.

 

 

Bekki

I’m sorry but, I am going to stop writing about my favorite person. From Astrology to other writing, I’m just not able to keep going. It feels like peeking into someone else’s sorrow and secrets. I wouldn’t like anyone doing it to me so, I’m taking everything off my site. It feels like I’ve forgotten how to live quietly just being myself. He’s become the voice in my head and I like that voice too much.

I need to change.

 

Bekki

When your best friend is an Aussie

I just contacted Kazza, and informed her…that our new greeting is “I’m not here to fuck spiders” because anything that makes me laugh this much needs to exist in our friendship.

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Literally can’t stop laughing. My face is full of tears.

Ps. (Note just for Kazza). This totally reminds me of how you “introduced me”to the topic of drop bears…😂

Pss. Spellchecker still insists on changing your name to Kazza Kazoo.

Bekki

Why is it?

Why am I always soo startled when people say nice things like this?:

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It always catches me unaware and I spend the next 30 mins alternating between blushing and smiling my ass off. Why do I forget that people actually like me?

(This is the manager of my old store BTW..I left her name off for her privacy)

Bekki

Her private life soundtrack

I found it on Youtube….(squeals like a fangirl).

I’m gleefully owning the irony of fangirling over this.

#4 is the 💕💖💗💓💞

Long live the Lion!!

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For #4 The lyrics go something like this:

I’ll listen to everything
The side of your heart that was thrown away, in your memories.

I’ll lend you my shoulder
So you can cry all you want
Even if it’s like a child.

Ooh ooh ooh, so maybe
Maybe I love you, I love you
I love you.

I don’t know if it’s love
I just want to do everything with you everyday.

My trembling heart quietly tells me.
That I want to see you.

So, maybe

Ooh ooh ooh, maybe

Maybe you love me, you love me
You love me
Maybe I love you
I love you
I love you

I’m in love with you.
It’s a heavenly feeling
I don’t know why I feel this way.
I wonder if it will fade or not.
I don’t know if it’s love.
I just want to do everthing with you everyday.
My trembling heart quietly tells me
That I want to see you
So, maybe

Ooh ooh ooh, maybe
Maybe you love me, you love me
You love me.
Maybe I love you, I love you
I love you

(The best part of these lyrics is the way she says each successive I love you..becoming a declaration with each repeat….)

I Love this song.

Bekki

Plotting and planning

Ok, soo…moving. I have pretty much notified my co-workers that my last day will be at the end of August. I’ll start applying for apartments at my new location at the end of July.

Omg…I’m really doing this.

According to my budget (being annoyingly conservative with my estimates because I’d rather be pleasantly surprised than mortally horrified) I can afford an apartment in the $500 range. Soo..studio apartment then? Ok. (That’s do-able in Wisconsin, don’t worry..if it were Florida, I’d be completely screwed)

I contacted the manager of my old job and she confirmed they want me. (Phew!!) Ok.

Savings budget worked out to putting away $500 for each paycheck for the month of July and August (Thank the heavens for 3 pay periods in August!) That gives me 5 paychecks to get my 1st months rent, security deposit and application fee. Then there is my train ticket, 2 hotel nights, and utilities turn-ons. Plus, I’ll need  pure broadband and a modem. I can go without Tv, but no internet access would probably kill me dead.

Looked at other costs I’ll have to include (Off-site Laundry, internet, bus pass) and have about $250 leftover pay for a safety net.

That is if I only work 70 bi-weekly hours..anything over that is all savings account. Ok.

I’ll need to consider things I’ll need as an apartment dweller..like plates, for example. Fast food would get expensive so..a plan for slowly acquiring things will be plotted at a later date.

It’s been a really long time since I stood on my own two feet.

I’m uber excited and have butterflies in my tummy and, at the same time,  I want to vomit. Scared…excited and nervous.

Sooo.. That’s probably normal right?

 

 

 

Bekki

When I have to say goodbye

Oh, how I have loved you.
From the distance of a breath
and the length of a universe.

There is no time,
only moments joined
to moments.
End to end,
like a string of Christmas lights.

How was I to know I would love the fights
just as much as the lovemaking?
The tears as much as the kisses?
The frustrations as much as the laughter?

How did I not know, that even the darkest of moments
was still me, loving you?

Come back
Come back
Come back
Please, come back and let me miss you.

 

(Personal note: before I get 3000 emails..no, this isn’t a personal poem…you overprotective weirdos)