Dear Man with Five Typewriters,

January 17, 2018

Dear Man with Five Typewriters,

Most people consider others the way they consider sentences. They look at the words. The complexity of word combinations. The intricate way these words are used and grouped together. Are they big words or little words that make up their structure? What does the sentence say, how does it contribute to the story that is you?  Then, there is their impact, their philosophical or simplistic meanings. The shape of these sentences, and the way in which these shapes are used to convey meaning.

I’ve always admired and appreciated these sentences, they matter very much but, I have always known that I am somewhat different from some others. They like what they can readily see. They like the feeling of being able to read someone. They enjoy the ease of sorting and explaining everything in a regimented manner. They like seeing and understanding the worth of sentences. The thing is, people are more than just visable. They are more than just the structuring that develops between mind and eye. The more is what I notice.

Me?  I am intrigued by what those sentences aren’t saying. The spaces in-between that also contribute to the gravity and beauty of a sentences fabric. The spaces are also part of the sentence. They add a beauty to the shape of the chapter. The book is written not only by what is visually apparent, but by these silent pauses that words cannot express.  Those pauses give sentences their silent structural integrity.

I like you. I like you for your sentences, just like everyone else does, but…I love you best, for your spaces. They say things about you that is more honest, filled with more depth and more innocence. It is where you feel safest, those spaces. I love your spaces. Your silence says more than your words. Those spaces are the true you. Those silent pauses are the inner you, and “inner you” is stunningly beautiful.

If people are sentences, you are my favorite story.

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I’m here…now what?

I only just got here and already my inner me is unsettled about the not having a job yet thing. I need to get the interview out of the way. Once that’s done my inner Capricorn will shut the hell up.

Seriously, my inner me doesn’t like not having the stability of a paycheck. Already I am getting itchy. I am covered for a month, after that, my Capricorn side will completely freak out. Plus, I am dying to get started on writing. The main reason for this change was to get me time to write the way I’ve always dreamt. Once I have a job to pay the bills, I can focus on the getting an apartment and getting myself a proper new laptop. Visiting the library is an actual need.

It’s only the first day here and I am literally already feeling like I need to get going on projects. Sheesh woman! Take a few breaths!

Shay’s home is like her. There is a stamp of her style all over everything. It amuses me because it’s like walking around inside her head. I feel really happy. This is a person that makes me feel seen. I am curiously joyful at being wrapped in her essence.

I was startled to discover bits of me everywhere in her home. The 2 teacup set I bought her on my first visit to the UK, the huge Pansy cross-stitch that took 10,000 stitches and 3 months to make, which, she then had professionally framed, the smaller cat stitch I did just to pass the time and amuse her, the 2 homespun angels I bought in La Crosse ages ago, and pictures of my dad everywhere. It feels like I’ve comes home.

My first task was to unpack. I added the bits of myself I carried all the way from Pennsylvania. When I spotted the chair, in my room, it took me a minute to realize it’s the one I bought from Goodwill when I lived here before. I’d had to leave it behind. It was one of my favorite things I ever bought and Shay put it in my room. She also hung my absolute favorite piece of her artwork. She knows me so well. I hung up the bird teatowl from Anne. It seems to just belong there.

The canvas portrait of Z went up next. Then, I set out my meditation nook. It’s smaller then normal because, I put quite a lot of it in storage until I can ship it..but, it looks nice.  My Naga Kanya statue seems happy in her new spot.

I’m unpacked but I don’t feel settled yet. I’m sure that comes with time. At the moment though, I feel introspective and melancholy.

Please let me find happiness. This is my new beginning.

 

 

Cracker Barrel Lunch

Joey D and the giggle-twins were so much fun! We both got the Country Fried Boneless Chicken. It was absolutely huge. Neither of us could finish. I bought her a little present to say goodbye and surprised her with it. Jodie bought the twins mermaids dolls. They carried them everywhere we went with them. 

Doing stuff with kids is exhausting but a lot of fun. I startled them in the bathroom by turning the hand-dryer spout so it made their hair blow. After the momentary startlement they were hilarious reacting to my playing with them. Kacie needs more time to fully appreciate her wacky aunty but, Kelly seems to have gotten really close to me. She watched everything I did very carefully and worked to make me laugh at her. Kacie is more timid but has a very sharp intellect. She noticed everything silently. 

I stopped into the Hot Topic and bought some new earbuds for my trip. The old ones are dying in one ear. I found a very cool Stitch one. They come in a very cool case that zips closed. The earbuds have Stitch’s face on them. Since they were offering a buy 2 get one free deal..I got Z some ear buds and a lanyard of two of her favorite fandoms, Yuri on Ice and Panic at the Disco. Her birthday is in March and I really need to get her some good stuff. 

Home now and finally dyeing my hair for the train trip. Joey D will pick me up at 11:30 pm. My train leaves at about 2 am. Not much time left now.

Saying goodbye

I had no idea. They surprised me with a going away party. Pizza, cake, chips, salsa and sodas. The break room was decorated. I just stood there in shock. I tried very hard to appear normal and not totally, horribly affected..because Dammit! I was totally, horribly affected. I didn’t want to cry. Crying embarrasses me to pieces.

I was fine until I got to the cards. I was fine. Then, I noticed the long letters written inside each and couldn’t read them. Overwhelmed by emotion I had to set the cards down. I opened the next one…peeked..this card was from all of them and was filled with….money.

I think my heart stopped in that moment. These are people who work soo hard for every dollar.  My heart tipped over. They worried I would need money during my travels. This…small gesture, undid me. I put the card down and couldn’t open it again. I felt incredibly humble. I started crying. Which, apparently didn’t surprise them a bit.

I started a snot-crying flood and it seemed to set the waterworks off. They all huddled around me and took turns hugging me. I never ever expect people to read me as well as they always somehow do. I always attempt to keep my emotions hidden.. .but…I’m coming to realize I am as transparent as paper.

All that fussing and fretting over each of them privately. Wanting them to be their best selves and getting terribly frustrated each time they let themselves down.

I love these people. They sometimes make me crazy with their antics. Nuts with their personality quirks, and deeply unfailingly connected to them even while they make me want to chastise them when they misbehave.

I don’t care if they aren’t perfect really, that’s not what all the venting and hand tossing is really about..it’s about the fact that they matter to me…so much so, that they can make me curse a blue streak one moment, and cheer them on the next.

I love these people and I will miss them. I will miss them because they might not always be kind to one another, they may not always make sense, they may not always make good choices, but…they are trying and they are my family. They try every single day to get it right. That’s all it takes to be my family really…and suddenly, I realized..they know it. They are fully aware of my feelings being completely horribly mushy where they are concerned.

My family keeps growing.

I will miss them very, very much.

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