Tears at days end

I close my eyes,

lean on your phantom shoulder,

where comfort lives.

Your shoulder embraces my tears,

welcomes their silent fall,

into the waters of your soul

where they can do the most good.

You cup my cheek and speak murmur

the language built for warriors in the field

who need that taste upon their skin.

A taste like love, that gives them peace,

so they can rise and try once more.

You are my shield, my armor,

my hearts safe place.

I am ever thankful for you.

You make my work possible,

just by being there when it is done

for the day.

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This lesson really hurts. It hurts, but it cannot be avoided. I got some difficult news today. Everything has to change now. It hurts, but I will be ok.

Endings are also beginnings right?


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Tarot Reading

I don’t normally do Tarot readings for others, but sometimes, I get the impression that someone needs help with a Spiritual Awakening. So, I did one. I don’t want to intrude on this person’s privacy, so I will just refer to him as “Ted”

The spread is Hagall. Cards are Rider Waite

Ted. You need to listen ok? Seriously listen. The stuff you are experiencing is a Spiritual Awakening. You have not had a mental breakdown.Stop freaking out ok?

Central Issue:

6 of Pents

This card usually indicates Financial flow, Clarity, Assistance, giving back or generocity.

But, in this instance, I think it is more likely referring to getting assistance for understanding his path.  I think this is about Ted getting advice because he is attempting to go it alone and not get himself attention. He needs to be open with at least another person. Who is not afraid of stuff like Spiritual Awakenings, and will not tell Ted he is nuttier than a bedbug. Ted, you can be a bit nutty, but you are NOT crazy.

Something  you (Ted) did:

6 of Cups: Friendliness, Innocence, Childhood,

This is a card, in this particular placement, seems to be about looking back at childhood or the past and wishing you had retained some aspect of your younger you. This might mean you have changed in order to be sucessful in your life. Since, you are a private person, this might also mean you keep a tight wrap on the inner you, and, as a result, feel like you have 2 lives, or two faces. Your spirit is no longer happy with this arrangement. This stuff needs to change Ted. Soon.

Beliefs, Impressions, Expectations:


Boy Ted!, you really ask a lot of yourself. You try to have complete stability and rationality for all that you do. You have a lot of people looking up to you and relying on you, and this makes you dig deeper to succeed, but this also means you have no one to comfort you when you are weak or worried, because you must appear strong for all these people. How tiring and hard on a heart that must be. You might also be considering the role of Fatherhood and what that role means to you. You might even have pangs to become a father yourself and wonder if you are up to the task. In case you are wondering, yes you are. A card later on shows that you are an amazing person inside and really, really loving. You might not know it, but you are definately Papa material.

Most Likely Outcome:

Death: Don’t freak TED! That is a good thing in this instance. It means regeneration, transformation, and closure.
This is a Spiritual Awakening after all, this is just confirmation really. It is showing that if you keep going you are going to be a new person after you are done. A stronger, happier you. You will have to deal with stuff you have not dealt with though. Most especially things dealing with closure on things you refuse to talk about, cannot face, or hide in the back of the closet. Time to clean house Dude!

You are feeling a bit stuck, and uncertain about what changes to make and what to do with the you that is roaring inside you to be let go. Yeah, he is a special part of you too, that man. He is not someone to be shut away while you make a living Ted! Your inner silly person needs to be allowed to be affectionate in public, weird and wonderful and yes, even a bit dumb. You really hate looking dumb Ted, but that is not such a bad thing sometimes. The Universe doesn’t just hand out Spiritual Awakenings on a whim Ted, it comes when you are ready. And Dude, you are Totally ready. You got this.

Let go, and trust the universe.

Spritual History of the Situation:

4 of Pents:

Stable, Cautious, Protecting resources, boundaries, Saving.

Ok, Ted. This is gonna hurt, but I am not here to sugarcoat you. You need to freaking stop working all the DAMNED time. You are killing yourself to provide stability that you ALREADY have. Yes, you! You are enough, you are ok. You hold on so tightly because you don’t want to let anyone down. The problem is, it is preventing you moving forward on some personal growth. You need to get in touch with you. He has some things to tell you, so listen DAMN it! Take a chance. You have a firm foundation. You will not fail anyone. Least of all yourself. You do not know how to fail. So, let yourself be sentimental and goofy for a while. It is needed.

Spiritual Tasks and Challenges:

Knight of Wands.

This is who you are right now Ted, it is a challenge because it needs to change slightly from this core you.

He is engergetic, Charismatic, confident. He needs lots of Stimulation and will often value adventure over his own common sense, though he really needs to cut that out as he gets older. His inner need is self-growth and new challenges.

He is competitive, reckless and tempermental. He has a short attention span and doesn’t stay in one place too long. Risk-taker, experimental, doesn’t consider his own mortality and gets hurt when he pushes the envelope.

Metemorphasis of the Spiritual situation:

The Star

This is who the inner you wants to become more. This is who you are in your soul.

Optimism, peace. Renewel.

(Follow-up card to describe you was King of Wands) This is who your spirit aspires to become:

Natural leader, Devoted to family and those he leads. He is charming and kind and is motivated to take action to bring about positive change. He is decisive and courageous, and takes risks based on his gut feelings.

He likes excitement, competition and challenges, he has a lust for life! He likes to be surrounded by a diverse group of people. He is not rigid in his thinking and is receptive to different points of view when considering a situation. He knows himself well and is a very authentic person. He expresses his true nature in all that he does.  He acts and speaks with integrity. He is a passionate lover and does best when he expresses his feelings instead of letting them smoulder within.

He sometimes gets carried away by his enthusiasm and can be an impulsive gambler, but even when he experiences losses, he picks himself up and carries on with optimism.

Star brings Optimism for a new start. It is a card of Hope, peace, and renewal. Trust in the universe Ted, you are protected. You are on a healing path.

See yourself in your ideal future. Cultivate calmness and stillness. Pay attention to your inner promptings and the signs DO mean something, so stop ignoring them!

Person or Spiritual qualities that will sustain your optimal journey.

6 of Wands:

Victory. A drive to succeed. A spirit that doesn’t know how to stop trying. Take pride in your ability to lead and inspire others.

You have worked hard, and are receiving recognition for your accomplishments. This awakening is not a punishment. It is a reward. You have grown and thus, have opened your path up to further growth.

Others will look to you for guidance. Responsible & ethical action is required. Best practice is to be a model of the behaviors and attitudes yourself.

Though you have had success on your path, your path is not completed. You have still more to do before you reach the final destination.

Do not be afraid. You have guides with you and this path would not have opened if you were not ready to walk it.

Qualities you express:

The Devil.

You are ignoring the higher self and keep disconnecting from your path. You may even have taken up some very unhealthy traits and actions. You are working too much and need reminded of what being playful is all about.

Less use of crutches and quick fixes. Time to focus on the things you need to connect with yourself again.

No more putting this off.

You are ignoring your spiritual and emotional needs. No more obsessing. Time to begin.

Person or Qualities that will reveal Spiritual knowledge:

Queen of Cups:

Empathetic, receptive, sensitive, psychic, loving, dreamer, counselor, mother, poet.

Queen of cups is encouraging you to cultivate these qualities within yourself, or you will encounter someone with these qualities, or both.

She is empathetic, soothing and a kind listener. She helps others understand their own emotions. She is connected to her hgher self and receptive to messages from her dreams. She is a mature, sensitive, romantic person.

She pays close attention to her feelings and intuition. She always listens to her heart.  She is a loving mother and she gives much to others & may require solitude in order to restore herself.

Being near water restores her and inspires her.

She is artistic and visionary. She can sometimes be moody, manipulative and deceitful.

There you go Ted, You are getting a wake-up call from your angels. Time to begin accepting that you need to change some stuffs in order to become someone very very cool.

Hope this helps you.


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Sunshine day

Something weird is happening. I have over 100 songs on my Kindle. A variety of eclectic mix, only…I turned it on and hit shuffle and, no joke the last 10 songs have ALL featured sunshine. Are my spirit guides celebrating Sunday early? lol My sunshine playlist isn’t even on my Kindle Fire. Major weird.

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The Neverending Story in my heart


The Neverending Story is Sacred to me ( she said capitalising Sacred for emphasis.)

When I was a kid I was strange. No, it’s ok. I was. No doubt about it. I talked to animals, made up my own words, believed that the trees understood my heartfelt confessions while swinging, and had a firm belief that the world was magical. The world amazed me. It seemed so full of happy things. Which, is funny, considering the years proceeding this memory.

I grew up in a very difficult homelife. My father was a Vietnam vet with the problems you might easily guess at when thinking about the many repercussions of the war on men trained to kill without thought, but not taught how to deal with the remorse that happened later once they had time to process the cost of that ability on their fragile spirits. He was plagued with Post Tramatic Stress Syndrome and took up drinking and other things, like hitting my mom, that I will not go too far into. My mom and my dad were fragile people who had kids and no idea how to be proper parents. Happily, through lots of love from family and tons of professional help, they got better, they tried, they gave it their best. Today they are not, or would not be ( in the case of my deceased father), the same people, but I remember, (and, I am sure, my sister’s do also) what fear, hunger, poverty and uncertainty, felt like. It is not something one forgets.

The reason I thought the world was full of happy things and amazing, was not because I was unaware of harsh things. I did just explain that I knew these things all too well. No, I was convinced that the new grey house we lived in was magical. It had all the things I had never experienced previously in it. Animals, a yard with as much running as I wanted, stability because we didn’t have to move every other year. This was the first place, the very first, that was a home. It is no surprise to me that this house, this teensy tiny house, was the center of every single happy memory I had as a kid.

I remember feeling like I had found a present under our tree from Santa. This was how my imagination and creativity exploded from me. It was because, for the first time in my life, I felt safe enough to play. Play, laugh, argue and express myself without fear. I assumed that I was alone in this thing called pretend. My sister’s sure didn’t overly indulge in them. Joey D liked sports and boys. Shell was all about being like my mom and playing adult. My little brother Patrick was too little and my other siblings lived in PA, with my dad. I only saw them sometimes. Not enough to open up really.

The first inkling I had that there were “Others” like me, was going to see the movie, The Neverending Story. I swallowed the movie like stars. I had eyes like moons and a head full of wonder. There was not one single part of that movie I failed to be struck mute and practically in tears over. It was home. It was were I wanted to be every single day of my life. I wanted it to be real. I decided it was a place somewhere in the universe. The fact that the idea of it existed at all, was good enough for me.

I went on to love other movies, but, The Neverending Story will always be the first, the best, the sweetest. Dark Crystal comes closest, but only so far. I wanted Auryn symbol so badly, not to mention, my own rock biter, racing snail or luck Dragon. Hell, I would have settled for Artax. Come to think of it, Atreyu was (quite possibly) my first sex crush. Yum!

To this day I still remember the feeling that movie birthed into my heart. Fantasia is real, I know because I live there when I sleep.


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I promise not to murder you and wear your face as a mask, honest.

I saw this sign on the way to work today and it amused me, whilst making me roll my eyes in exasperation at the self-same time. Why? I was almost a 100% perfect example of the way not to make a sign.

Here is the sign (Note: I removed the address, which was written at the bottom, to protect the youth who clearly was not very old…I assume teen, as the sign was on the back of a Glee Notebook)


The thing is there is no phone # or contact info given. So, um..we just show up? Oh. well then. Hope you are not a serial killer luring me to your home so you can murder me and wear my face. (Probably would be a helpful addition to the sign if you insist on not putting any contact info, including your name, to say something like ” I will not kill you and wear your face, Honest.”

I wonder if they will sit all Saturday with baited breath for all the customers they are gonna get. Who knows, they could sell those suckers like hotcakes. What do I know?

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Apparently, I need to give Liam Neeson a call


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Who am I.

Left Handed


Earth sign

Learner type






Music (Eclectic)






Passionate hobbiest


Multicultural background

Blended Family




Subs sandwiches

Mexican food

Thai Food

Favorite flavors:


Pumpkin spice



Well known for:

Lack of fashion sense

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Why I hated She-Ra, and still want to punch her in her face.

When I was a kid, I loved He-Man cartoons. (All cartoons really) Nothing will ever top the bliss of the early childhood joy of Saturday morning cartoons and a bowl of super cold cereal in Pj’s. (Sorry..where was I again?..Oh, yeah)

I loved He-Man. He had blue eyes and a deep voice. He kicked butt and was probably the main reason I like shirtless men. I liked He-Man, was perfectly fine with He-Man. However, some smartass executive just HAD to ruin it!! (Still want to kick that asshole in the crotch) Apparently girls needed a fru-fru pink, sucktastic version of He-Man because, apparently, girls must only relate to girly things. It was the beginning of marketing to girls, but more specifically, the beginning of pigeonholing girls to believe that they could only be accepted as a pink or purple, glittered, more feminine versions of themselves. How I hate her!!!! Even if they did give her a sword, she was, at best, a watered-down version of her more awesome brother. I may have been 8, but I wasn’t blind!

You see this trend everywhere. They come out with a version of a beloved character just for the Female or Male gendered marketing of products. They do it to boys and girls equally. (Can you say Dora and Diego?)

There is only one character, from my childhood, that I will always adore for the brilliant refusal to bow down to this stereo-typing addiction. Forever I will adore her. Long live Punky Brewster!!!

Ps. She-Ra can suck my He-Man loving ass. (That comment has live lodged in my heart for ages..I feel much better now)

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“I have never seen Spaceballs”…

My nephew just admitted he has never seen Spaceballs. I may have to disown him. No, really. How can a person exist without a functioning sense of the ridiculous, silly, and slightly manic? There are certain movies, entrenched in my heart, that one cannot admit they have never seen in my presence. It is like admitting you have never read Harry Potter. (Please don’t say it…It might kill me.) My head may just explode from the deep sadness I feel for you if you say you have never seen the movies I consider the Holy Grail of smiley, so please pretend you have seen the following movies when we talk, ok?! Do it for my sanity.

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

The Neverending Story ( This one is non-negotiable as it is my favorite of all time)


What Dreams May Come

Mrs Doubtfire

The Princess Bride




Bridget Jones’s Diary

Dark Crystal


Who Framed Rodger Rabbit

Little Shop of Horrors

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

All the Muppet Movies

Despicable Me


Pretty in Pink

The Breakfast Club

Weird Science

Ferris Buellers Day Off

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Short Circuit

Some Kind of Wonderful



Howard the Duck

(Those are the ones I can think of right now)

I think I may have inadvertently revealed quite a lot about me by compiling this list. (Whoops!)

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Apparently my character is a porn star

(@$!#!!!) Apparently the character I adore to bits, have fully birthed to life inside my head, and cherish despite having only ever written 6 Chapters of her book, is also a porn star, or, to be more accurate, shares her name with a porn star.

(please pause while I bang my forehead on my wall)

I would not have known this as I do not really frequent porn sites, am not male and thus, have a decided lack of interest in naked women.

What tipped me off was that I posted the first chapter of my Lexi Belle: Paranormal Detective book, here on my blog and unfortunately titled it: “Meet Lexi Belle”. I say unfortunately,because, apparently, a lot of men got excited. One even decided I might be Lexi Belle (the porn star) and tried to Skype me. (Please pause while I gag)

My stats spiked like nutso cutlet and I investigated and learned the shameful truth. Lexi Belle has been very naughty.

Sigh* Why does the weird stuff only ever happen to me?

Like, when I told my friend in a text that I have never petted a baby duck ( he owns a farm and a petting zoo, and had just bought baby ducks), only to miss-spell and send a text that informed my bud Bryan, that I have ” Never petted a baby dick” He will never let me live that one down. Not ever ever.

Or, the time I told Matt that I collect men’s butts (Ignore the weirdness of that comment, it was really just a flippant comment about my affection for men’s….um.. let’s just forget I said it…ok?) Anyway, I managed to follow that lovely comment with this “I have collected 3 so far”… only it came out as “I have collected 3 so fart” in sending the text.  He proceeded to rib me with fart jokes for the next 30 minutes. Dammit.

so, Lexi needs a new last name. Anyone have a suggestion?

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Skip Beat.

I am watching the Taiwanese drama Skip Beat again. I adore that program. The radish sculpture scene is my absolute favorite scene.

She has a purple stone that she calls Corn, after the guy who gave it to her. She believes it absorbs all her sadness and fears. I forgot about that scene, it strikes me as interesting, as I have my own stone as well. It is black, I got it in Dallas, and I charge it up with my positive energy and thoughts while I sleep. I keep it near my bed or in my hand as I sleep. (No, I don’t drop it) I hold it close whenever I feel low, sad, or lost. I have amassed quite a collection of rocks from every place I have ever been.

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Death to fat!!

Battle-cry of a woman who just bought a beaded jump rope. I miss swimming pools! This exercise thing was easier when I had my favorite exercise method available. I plan to post my progress, for good or ill. Pray for me.

Hopefully, I will hear my fat cells screaming in agony very soon.

ps. If you live near me, please for the love of all that is fraggle, avert your eyes as you pass my driveway. I can’t jump in the basement as the ceiling is too low.

My diet needs to change. My sister, God love her Italian heart, loves pasta way too much. Three times a week is killing me. As a sedentary person I have to be more careful. Sigh*

I always lose weight the moment I get active, so I know I can do it. I have gotten very lazy.

In case you wondered, I am not one of those women that feels the need to be skinny to be happy. I am turning up the exercise because I feel unhealthy this way and know I feel better with less weight.  I want more energy and less butt dragging. I am not getting any younger. Time to push myself to be healthier.

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It’s going to be alright, you are just awake now

So, you just woke up, and it is freaking you out right? It’s ok. This is a good thing happening to you. Seems like a lie right? Don’t worry. I got this. You got this. We got this together. Here are some vital tools to assist you through your awakening process.

#1 Just so you know, it’s going to be ok. You have what you need to make it through, even if this stuff is really scary. You have way more strength inside you, than you know. You also have open Chakras (Which is what caused this to happen) Take it slow and easy. This is not a race. Take all the time you need.

#2 Yes, it is scary. No, you are not crazy. The stuff happening is real. The fear will make you freak out, so….the answer is to relax and let go. This is happening for a reason. You are not crazy. You are changing. You are experiencing an awakening. You will have a lot of weird things happening inside you. You are not crazy. I have been where you are. I wanted reassurance I was not insane. You have my reassurance, you are normal, what you are experiencing is painful, but real.

#3 Music helps. All kinds. Messages come in music. Listen and hear them. They will help. They will comfort. They will heal. They will instruct. Listen. When you need reassurance, wait for a sign, within 30 minutes one will come. The sign may be subtle, look for it, and it will appear.

#4 Try things. You will crave sudden learning. This is normal and healthy. Growth brings passion to try. You may not stick with it later, the trying and doing is the important part.

#5 Meditate sweetie. Walking, Swimming, Yoga. Whatever you do that helps you hear your inner and forget your outer is perfect. You need those moments to reflect and think about the changes inside you.

#6 Spirit guides. They are not a dream. They are there to help you in your sleep and meditation. They talk, you listen. You ask, they explain. (Mine was an Indian with gorgeous cropped hair) I know right?!

#7 Roller coaster moods. Yup. Gonna happen a lot. There is stuff changing inside you. You are learning your path, your purpose. This stuff is weird! Crying happens. Don’t worry. The things you will learn will amaze you.

#8 You are part of the world. The world is part of you. The world exists because you do. Beauty will amaze you when you realize it exists for you. Because you are loved. Because you matter. Because you are ready.

#9 Vibrations. You are vibrating. People on your same vibration will appear to assist you. They are there to challenge and confront you. Consider them comrades with lessons, shoulders, and teeth.

#10 This is happening because you are ready. If you work hard, the universe opens up and wonderful things will happen to you. You always benefit from struggle. There is pain, but also peace. The will be a moment, that comes, that feels like complete peace, love, and acceptance. It cannot be felt always, because no one can live in that feeling forever. The memory of it will drive you for the rest of your life. It is the feeling of complete joy. When you feel it, you will know all this was worth it.

Don’t be afraid. You are worth what is happening to you. You are blooming. You can do it!

Kudalini Awakening

Wake Up and Live

Bekki B–My Awakening

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The Burlesque act in my bedroom

I was innocently reading a book. (John Rain novel if you’re interested) When I reach over and run my fingers under the fringe of my bedside Leg lamp (Yes, I have a leglamp (that is a story for another time….Focus people!!!) I stand and put something away and move to sit again when…I spot something looking at me. It is hanging off the fringe of my leglamp like a burlesque dancer with stripper pole skills. My first thought was, in fact, “He looks like he could actually talk to me..his expression is actually quite….um.. friendly-ish.” Then my girl side said “He is huge, you have no idea what the Hendricks he is…scream NOW!!!” I didn’t scream. I verbalized instead, I said ” What the Fuck are you?”

Not my best opener I admit. I decided to get him out of my room..humanely. I grabbed a plastic cup and scooped him up, however, before I could overturn it and lever paper under it, the little fucker ran out of the glass and onto the outside of the cup. I am not equipped for things that run at, near, or around, my person. I dropped the cup like it had poison on it. The bug ran, I wondered where it went for the next 20 paranoid minutes, and finally decided to sit on my bed again…carefully, just in case he staged a sneak attack. 

I looked him up online and turns out he eats bugs like spiders, cockroaches, fleas, silverfish and other nasty buggy stuff. He actually injects them with poison like a badass and eats them. Erm…ok. He can stay…but not on my bed!!!! And if he pops out again I might kill him accidentally, so fair warning buggy-boy!!

I named him Rain. Since I am reading John Rain (and it has been raining all freaking day!)

He looks like this:


I am not ashamed to say I would find him cute, if he wasn’t so buggy and ran so fast. Bugs freak me out ok? Try living in Florida and not having a bug fear. I lived there 13 years. Cockroaches are evil.

Ps. He is called a House Centipede

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Shakespeare took over my brain

I seriously was shocked to look this sentence up, and learn it made sense. Mostly, because it, quite literally, popped into my head as I woke this morning, at 6 am. My brain is weird. I hope Shakespeare isn’t running around inside my brain. he could get lost in there among the funky socks and Fraggles.

Here is the sentence:

“Thy visage runs counterpoint to thy soul, which doth know, more fully,that heart, that speaks more finely, of the warmth of thee and thy perpetuity.”

I sure hope I got that correct. Wouldn’t want Will to be mad at me.

Did I mention my brain is weird?


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Night thoughts

Stretched over the horizon,

my heart strings go taunt,

wondering at the placid nature of time

while, I, filled with emotion,

sit in starlight,

overwhelmed with the weight

of things unspoken.

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What if I am Queer?

Z was trying to be shocking, so I ignored the fact that I deeply dislike the use of the term “Queer” and went right for the comment itself. I figure she was testing me on more than one level, so I just went with the answer that was the most revealing and honest. “Well, she better fucking wear a dress when she comes to meet me for the first time, because I hate wearing a dress and she damned well better put in the same kind of effort I would. Oh, and if she hurts you, I will smack a bitch.”

Z didn’t even look surprised.

What?! Wearing a dress is showing respect.She can wear flip-flops on the second visit.

Ps. Z says she is Pansexual. I was not even surprised.

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Good Afternoon, Mr Sun.

Z is still asleep. It is 12:00 pm and she is still asleep. Lightweight!!

I got up and listened to some music. I really enjoy cheerful music in the morning. Strangely, my tunes tend to feature the sun or sunshine in some manner. Find some excellent ones here.

I tortured Z, a little, by plugging my earbud into her ear for the line “You bring the sun, sun, sunshine”  so, she may well murder me later.

I have finished the colorwork for the middle bird of my stitch. I just need the backstitching to make it pop. Trying to decide if I want to wait until the other two birds are done to add it or do them individually. I am leaning towards all at once as the backstitching makes the piece come to life and is sort-of magical.

I had sugary cereal for breakfast. I have no excuse as proper “adult” cereal was available. Hee hee. I am on vacation right?

Tomorrow is my last day hanging out here. I have to go home to my basement room and back to work. Z will stay here another week. Sigh* I miss her already.

Listening to Joey D trying to put the twins down for nap has left me feeling a longing to go back in time. I really loved naptime with Z when she was little. I would sing to her and read stories before she drifted off.

I think I will go watch some K drama. Oh, I made Z watch an episode of Playful Kiss last night. She made lots of noises, but I think she liked it a little.

Update: Here are mine. I have 2 that are not mentioning sunshine, but make me feel damned good.


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Bedtime rituals

First: Shower

Second: Music:  Kongos :Come WIth Me Now, Christina Petri: A Thousand Years

Third: Night rest outside: Lightening Bugs

Fourth: K Drama lovage

Fifth: Lights out: dreamwalking

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