Something like happiness

Have you ever read a book that made you feel something like happiness? Only you couldn’t really call it happiness, because happiness has a jump-up-and-down something to it, that this kind of feeling doesn’t have? It’s more a kind of happy that goes quiet. Stone cold silent. Because to speak it means to find words, and there just aren’t any made that cover the stillness of your heart as it feels this, whatever “this” sort of happiness, is.

When I was a child I would go silent. It wasn’t that I wasn’t a chatty child, because I clearly was the most chat-happy child that ever was at times, most especially when I was sugared up like a full tank of gas. I would think thoughts but not share them,sometimes because they were mine and keeping them to myself was like giving myself permission to have something only for me. I had sisters and a brother to share, share, share everything with. Clothes, toys, and even, at one point, my bed.

Sometimes I kept things to myself because others just didn’t get the thing I was thinking. They really, really, tried to and the trying sometimes felt painful to watch. True understanding can only happen in the first 5 seconds, either you get it, or you don’t, and those that don’t get it, try so hard they sometimes exhaust themselves and you. You usually end up pretending they understood to give them some relief.

The person who does get it, sinks down into the understanding so fast, it’s like they are not even with you anymore. Their face says they returned to a place where their memories are and that is the moment you find kinship. They get it. It isn’t about your moment, it isn’t even about theirs. It’s about knowing that you both have one, and it’s private and it’s shared, at the self-same time.

Anyway, when I would go silent, I would think thoughts I was never quite sure anyone else was having. Until I read To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee I wondered if I was broken in a very good way. A way others might not understand, but that I couldn’t give up. It was part of my head and my heart, in the place where they met half-way.

I feel that way when I read any book by Catherine Ryan Hyde. I have written about it before, but this is my first attempt to get it so someone else might understand. It is like writing your heart onto paper, and hoping that 5 second person comes along.When I read Harper Lee for the first time, I realized those 5 second people exist. They are my people. They are the people I have to seek out, but they exist. So, I speak what I use to go silent about, because this “something like happiness”thing? It matters to the 5 second person more than breath.

I go silent when I read Harper Lee. I go silent when I read Catherine Ryan Hyde. It’s a place like happiness. I want to write something that does that. I want to be a writer like that, because I want to create something like happiness for someone else.

If I ever meet Catherine Ryan Hyde I will probably embarrass myself crying, or losing feeling in my legs. I would probably not be able to speak, but that’s ok. Something tells me she’s one of those 5 second types I was telling you about.

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April 27, 2016 · 11:12 pm

Thanks,I think

My boss offered to let me use yesterday as my day off instead of my scheduled day off, so I don’t lose any income. Thanks, I think. This means working 2-close for the next 3 days. Um…yay?

Of course, Saturday I get to work at 9 -6 which generally equals 4 hours of sleep the night before as I close. Double yay.

It could be worse. At least I won’t lose pay from being ill.


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April 26, 2016 · 11:32 pm

Chai me

Resting. Drinking Chai tea and simply resting. I dislike the way my body reacts to changing temperature. If I sit down for a spell, getting up can be interesting. The first 5 steps remind me I am not young anymore. Oh, and my hair is thinning.😦 I’m not the vain type, but I grew up with wildly thick hair, so it feels incredibly weird to have it thinning out a bit.

Tomorrow it will be Chai tea, Rice-a-roni and a good book for lunch. Staying home is not my style, so being forced to lie abed all day really makes me nuts. To combat utter boredom I uploaded photos like mad. Check my Out-and-About page in the link bar if you are interested in all that. I worked on it all day in the complete dark, since in edition to overwhelming fibro pain, I was also blessed with migraines for the day. Can you tell I had a fantastic day? Yup. One of those. Ah, well. I haven’t taken off work in at least 6 months or better. At least it wasn’t the damned flu.

Back to work tomorrow. 1 pm to close, just the way I like it.




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April 26, 2016 · 12:39 am

Reflective pool

My heart hurts.

I don’t know where I belong.

I just know, it isn’t here,

and I must persevere

over my own sadness.

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April 24, 2016 · 6:42 pm

Japanese Cultural Taboo: Red Ink

Interesting post on Quora by Serina Kurahashi in response to a query about common taboos in Japan. I found it interesting.

What are some social taboos in Japanese culture?
 (Serina Kurahashi, American born from Japanese parents.

6.6k Views10+ years in Japan talking to and learning from Japanese people.Serina is a Most Viewed Writer in Japanese ethnicity and people.)


Writing names with red ink.

Having your name written in red is considered bad luck and early death by many.

This may seem overly paranoid and superstitious, but there is a lot of cultural history and background that has given way to this taboo.

1. Red is for dead people

  • If you purchase a tomb stone while you are still alive, your name would be carved and painted in with red.  Once you die and your bones are buried, it will be repainted in black.  This is why when your name is written in red, it gives the impression that it is almost time for you to visit the grave.

2. Red is for battle

  • Long ago the samurai sent letters of challenge (果たし状) to express their desire to duel to the death with the addressee written in red.  For that reason, when you write someone’s name in red, it is equivalent to saying “I am cutting off all ties with you”, or in simpler terms, “I hate you”.

3. Red is for criminals

  • There were times when the names of criminals were written out in red.  Writing someone’s name in red is like implying they are criminals as well.  Also, the orders for executing death penalties are signed with red pencil.  For this reason some believe that when your name is written in red, you will be subject to hatred, since criminals on death row most likely loathe their executioner.

4. Red is for bankrupt

  • When the kanji for “red” (赤) and “letter” (字) are combined, the two characters take on the meaning of “deficit, loss” (赤字).  So quite literally, if a name is written in red, it will appear as if that person or that person’s business is doomed to face a significant financial loss soon.

5. Red is unofficial

  • All official documents are written in black, while red pen is used for correcting errors in the drafts.  When names are written in red, it gives the impression that your name is being disrespected and is not being treated in an official manner.

This taboo is slowly fading away and there indeed are people that are unaware or do really not care, but to be on the safe side, it is advisable to always carry around a black pen so that you wouldn’t risk possibly offending someone.  Even if it’s a personal memo that you believe the other person will never see, it is much more respectful to not write it at all if red is all you have on hand.

Consider a name written in red ink like a voodoo doll with your name on it.  You wouldn’t be too happy either, right?

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April 23, 2016 · 10:32 pm


May 21,2015

5 months

October 31,2015

2 months

December 20, 2015

2 months

February 23,2016

1.5 months

April  13,2016

I am starting to see a pattern in my dreaming about SHK. They all seem to happen between the 13th-25th of the month..and have been happening more frequently.

I have been keeping track of my dreaming about him for about a year now. Weird.







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April 23, 2016 · 9:51 pm

My lamp has been found!


Remember this lamp I am obsessed with?

albero dei fiori di luce

Well, my sister found out who made it.

A place called Lampadani custom makes them.

Now to just learn Italian and get a quote. Since I can’t afford it anyway, I am a bit reluctant to google translate my way into an actual quote. No use getting their hopes up (or mine)

Still, I found it. Sigh****



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April 23, 2016 · 9:27 pm

Moments of memory: United Kingdom

These are not in proper order for date.

United Kingdom January 13-Feb 2, 2016

February 2, 2016–Dublin airport departing. Sitting across from a young man who was quietly sitting with his head down crying his heart out. Thought about asking him if he wanted to talk about it, remembered how private moments can be and nixed the idea. The need to comfort him persisted, I offered him a tissue and quietly told him that I had been there, a time or twenty. Let him be. To speak or not speak is a personal right. He chose his privacy,  respected him for it. Even so, my heart sent him understanding and kinship. I left to board the train with more then I arrived with. We humans are fragile.

January 10, 2016–Stafford City Centre The Shire Hall Gallery. Studied the artwork. Enjoyed the Raven and Fox heads made of fabric mixed media. Thought about symbolism and how they contain messages for growth. Took photo of sign with the Sun. Thought about my own personal symbols.

January 24, 2016 The Revenant with M. Conflicted thoughts on the movie. Powerful imagery. Unsettling theme. Bloody, Violent, and masculine. Unsettling thoughts of my own. Sad, weary, and female. My life is changing.

January 27, 2016 Emma Bridgewater Pottery with Anne. Tea Towel exhibit, Anne, and conversation about tender but needful things. Her love was present. My thoughts guarded but open. She mentioned the birds in the backyard, that memory meant something to Anne. She bought me a birds tea towel. The coincidences not at all coincidental. Some moments don’t need words. Anne shared her memory with me. I need to frame the tea towel.

Cine-Bowl. January 27, 2016 Air Hockey. Star Wars movie. Anne, Hannah and M. Feeling like a kid again. Clash of memories. Childhood meets adult mind. Surreal.

January 29, 2016 Birmingham Cathedral. Prayer boats. Lit a candle. Struggled for composure. Anne’s snap-out walking cane entranced M. Anne’s flowered raincoat.

Art museum. Postcards. Indian mother’s couch. Collectible buttons.

Canalside Coffee January 27, 2016 Cake and strange soda. Photo that captured my connection to Anne. Realized after that I was truly happy and felt part of a family during that moment.

Walsall Gallery with Cath. Heated wooden floors. Beautiful woman painting in Cath’s livingroom that captured my thoughts. Meal with Cath that made me cry. Festering hurts ripped open unexpectedly. Walking the canal. Coco the dog. My need for silent. Pain is present. Acceptance is present.

Badminton. Played badly. Enjoyed muchly. Skittles packet. Odd packet. Instead of Grape the flavor was Ribena, a little surprised and delighted, though not liking the flavor. Read the packet: “No Two Rainbows are the same. Neither are two packet of Skittles. Enjoy an odd mix.” Oh. Ok, then. Saved the packet. Definite memory.

January 31, Cambridge–Red Pom Anne. Hannah and M mumbles.Shoes and ships and ceiling wax, cabbages and kings.  Bought Anne and M Cambridge pins.

Caffe Nero–Young college students. Old Bekki. Bathroom door lock that hates people.

Bag stop. Hannah bought a satchel. Leather and bright colors.
Bikes and quaint walkways. A photographers quiet happiness stole over me. Wanting to capture with my camera, whilst still enjoying the day by putting the camera down occasionally. Bus ride to and from the car-park, too many thoughts. Windmill arguments. Laughter and memory making.

Sleeping in the silent flat. Feeling alone, but not. Just me and my thoughts. Just me and my changes. Bonding with a hot water bottle. Discovering what I would be like as an apartment singleton. I liked it. Mint Cocoa. Typing and thinking. Freedom of a sort after years without. Unable to stop crying over things confronted and experienced. Sweet & sour vacation.

Reconnecting with my gargoyle on a walk with my camera and a soda can. My gargoyle showed the changes of time. Has that much time really passed? Yes.

Soup Kitchen conversation. Things said. Needed but painful. My head hurts almost as much as my heart. Artwork punctuated by speech and attempts to salvage something I consider quite valuable. Your pain, my pain. I miss my friend.

Fish N Chips meal. Laughter and good food. Observations of family interactions. Interesting. Startled everyone with my understanding of cat. I lack fear of scratches, must be a country thing.

Re-bonded with cross-stitch magazines. Too much thinking for a mere mortal. Stitching brings peace, but too much thought.



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April 22, 2016 · 4:08 pm

A Gentleman’s Dignity

This is my third time rewatching this drama. It gives me the giggles and fulfills my sigh needs.

Mahri still annoys me to no end though. Whiny characters make my teeth hurt.

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April 21, 2016 · 9:01 pm

Things I have learned so far


Scratch-off tickets allow you too win, just enouph to keep you playing, but never enough to no longer want to. (learned this one from observation not personal experience)

Putting off fixing yourself for tomorrow, doesn’t really put off the cost, it just forces others to pay your interest for you.

There is no such thing as normal. If someone strikes you as being normal, they are suspect..they are generally working very hard to hide something even an abnormal person would find appalling.

Children learn from every single thing you do. You decide if you are their fond memories or their cautionary tale.

Once someone hurts you, you have two choices. Retaliation or salvation. One is braver than the other. Both contain pain, but only one leads anywhere new.

There is no such thing as partial honesty.

There is no timeline on loss. Loss ends when you tell it you are ready. Sometimes you don’t know you are ready, until you are.

Death isn’t the only thing you mourn the loss of.

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

Wanting to be something, is the first step to being something.

Love is the most stubborn thing God ever blessed man with.

If you are thinking of cheating, you already have.

Bring rich doesn’t mean you’re happy, being poor doesn’t mean you’re sad.

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April 21, 2016 · 4:01 pm

Tiny bit


I might have a teensy bit of a journal collection addiction. I can’t help it. A journal has all these possibilities for recording things in them. Blank pages of possibility. My inner goober geek can’t help herself.

That being said. I bought my 6th journal today.

Geek check.yup..still geeky.

Journal #1 Poetry

Journal #2 Pin-eyed people drawings

Journal #3 Tarot Reading Lessons (I’m learning the meanings behind each card and how to do an intuitive reading.)

Journal #4 Astrology

Journal #5 Book reading and have read list. Yes, I am that anal.

Journal #6 Biometric data. Work Experience, Addresses, and Geneology. I’m older.  I can’t remember stuff for applications anymore, thus, my journal of stuff I should know, but no longer remember. Besides I’ve been working since I was 13, that’s a lot of places. I have lived in over 4 states and one other country..this stuff gets elusive after a awhile.:) As for the geneology, I am a soup pot of cultures, and I know my place in all of them.

Z deserves to know where she comes from. My kid has even more cultures that I do. I did her geneology on her dad’s side for her too. She has a very proud legacy.

Let’s just be honest.If I bought a journal for all my interests and current learning pursuits, I’d be knee deep in journals.

Let’s see, I’d need one for a Stitch bible  (You would be amazed at how many types of sewing stitches there are..basket weave, Smyrna  Cross, Double Stitch, Eyelet stitch, Satin name just a few)

Numerology. Learning Numerology was incredibly fun. I wouldn’t mind writing down the process for future reference.

Taoism. The Tao of Pooh among others, Maybe write a bit about Transcendentalism and the oversoul.

One  travel journal for all the places I have been and/or want to go experience. A sort of Travel bucket list to record my travels and record experiences when I complete one.

Memories book. I could record special moments I never want to forget. I really like that idea, actually.

See, I really am a bit geeky.. but I like my journals. They make me feel good looking at them all lined up. lol

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April 19, 2016 · 1:18 am

Good Questions #57

Describe the ideal relationship and mate for you.

Oh, any easy question for once..NOT.

The best relationships are the ones you work at. Nothing worth having comes without effort, NOTHING. My ideal mate will be rife with differences, problems,and personality quirks all his own. I like the idea of someone who refuses to be defined, who is just himself. That being said, there are some definite things I would find intriguing in a prospective mate.

Someone who loves to read, learn, evolve. I love reading. I love learning. I am extremely passionate about experiencing new things and challenging myself to grow. It would be awesome to be around someone who also embraces these things. It wouldn’t hurt if he also likes to travel. I love adventures and exploring. Have Ellie Badge, will adventure. Cause, Adventure is out there!

Open minded. I don’t do judgment. People have a right to be who they are. I don’t get to decide who that is, if they are acceptable, if they should be able to do things they want to do. Someone who also likes diversity in people is someone I would get along with. The only people I do unfailingly appose, are those who seek to harm others. Those who prey on others are, in my opinion, deserving of every single bit of Karma my loving heart can wish their way. I’m a pacifist, but that is not the same as pushover.

Goofy. I am a regular wackadoodle. I am quirky, silly and, at times, cheerfully lacking in maturity. I will trounce you at air hockey and proceed to do a victory dance. I will greet you at the door with a water pistol selection and 30 seconds head start. I will remind you of every single dorky thing you have ever done. I will celebrate memories with you. I will create moments. Having someone who turns my tables and plays back would be completely groovy.

Kind. I need a guy who gets me. Who understands this rather embarrassing thing about me. I am terribly sentimental. I keep bits and pieces of memory tucked away in a box. You may think writing the date on a popsicle stick and saving it is dumb, but, for me, they are the gateways to thing I cherish most in the world, people, places, animals. I will cry at sad movies.I will rant for 20 minutes about a fictional guy who kills a dog in a movie (true story). I will bluster and froth. I will seeth and share (sometimes quite vigorously) how I truly feel about something that matters to me. I also share how I feel. I give hugs. Dance on place. Holler and hoot. I blush, a lot, and I will tell you, constantly, that you are loved, because I am a woman who feels everything out loud (even if I am too shy and turn so you can’t see how touched I am when you do or say something lovely)

Um..soo…yeah. Those are the qualities that make me like someone.

Notice good looks, income, and prestige, are not even on the list. That’s because I love from the inside out.

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April 16, 2016 · 9:19 pm

Guten Morgan!

I didn’t even realize I had memorized that..heh. The things you remember. Go Fig.

Getting ready for work. 2hours sleep us enough right?

Oy. It’s my own stupid fault too. My brain needs an off switch instead of cartoon noises…or something something.


(Coupling fans will get that one)


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April 16, 2016 · 5:45 am


Another plano bites the dust. I am sore. Very, very, sore. I love being busy though. An active day us a happy day.

More to do tomorrow. I can’t wait to sleep in on Sunday.


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April 15, 2016 · 10:25 pm

Weekly Reading List

Currently reading: Unstable Prototypes by Joseph Lallo (pg 236 of 372 64%)

Next up in the que: Where You Belong by Catherine Ryan Hyde

After that:

Avoidables2 by Rachel Medhurst

Moonlight by Victoria Danann

Witch is When the Hammer Fell by Adele Abbot



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April 14, 2016 · 10:15 pm

Yin Personality

Apparently I am considered a Yin due to my Water Ox sign  as my Chinese Zodiak.



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April 14, 2016 · 6:55 pm

Poetry Archives

I am working on my poetry archives tomorrow. 2013 is almost halfway done. I have a lot of years to work, so I am just taking it slow and easy. It will get done when it gets done.

I plan to post links to my photo posts from my New Mexico Trip, and my England trip,  as well as posting about my Arizona trip, and from when I lived in La Crosse, Wiconsin and Dallas, TX for my “Out and About” page too.

Time for bed I’m thinking.


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April 14, 2016 · 3:04 am

Doing the dishes dream

The dream was longer, but I forgot all but the middle and end. Darn it.

SHK was visiting. We must have had a meal, because he INSISTED on doing clean-up. He wanted to wash the dishes and was disgruntled by my insistence that I love to do dishes. I admitted reluctantly, that it isn’t my favorite, but maybe my second favorite ( folding laundry would be my’s a sickness) we decided to wash them together.

There was a short interlude whereby he requested chocolate. He wanted a chocolate bunny (indicating it was Easter) so I searched through his Christmas presents for the one he got his chocolate in. (Easter and Christmas crossover?? um ok.)

Then back to dish washing. I mentioned to my sister that my speech and phrases sounded Southern ( didn’t say anything remotely Southern to my ear) Mentioned it was probably from living in Florida so long, Turned to say something to SHK and some person I never met before, or knew, was standing in SHK’s spot. He was agreeing that I sounded Southern. I was mildly freaked out to find someone else there, turned and found SHK laughing his arse off at my surprise.

He was freaking adorable. Chuckling at me with the warmest smile. I could feel his happiness and enjoyment of the moment. I totally forgot myself and the fact that he tricked me. All I could see was him.

Maybe it was just a dream, but it felt like home, his smile.

SHK, Thank you.

Adding to the list:

Loves chocolate

Does dishes when someone else cooks.

Laughs with his eyes.

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April 13, 2016 · 9:56 am

It’s a 5 plano day

5 Planogrames to set at work. They found them after I put 4 hours into working the new product into the existing plano..sigh. Had to restart and redo. It was nice to have solid work in front of me. I don’t mind physical labor, as long as I get to move instead of sitting still. I got complimented for how hard I work on my section. I may be just a mini w worker, but I always do my best. Gramps use to say “Even if you are a ditch digger, be the best ditch digger you can be!”

Sitting still at work makes my mind atrophy. I live for doing.


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April 12, 2016 · 11:06 pm


I feel pretty good. Sunshine and warmer weather..yay.

What will work be like today? What will I discover? Start at 1. I feel kinda happy.

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April 12, 2016 · 7:45 am