Ninja shower

I don’t know what it was, but the shower I just took was the best, most relaxing shower, I have had in ages. My back hurt going in and the temperature was perfect. My muscles loosened up and I can finally move normally. It might be that I am in a good mood, or that the face wash was particularly soothing, not sure. I just know that, that shower kicks other showers asses. Ninja shower, if you will.

I am in a noodle state of relaxation now. I am thinking I am not good for anything for the next 15 min. I feel fab. Unexpected but really needed.

I plan to work on my needlework present, so far, I have a cat tail outlined. I also want to  work on my Sunday interview with the Prince of thieves. (Note to self: leave wallet at home while interviewing said Elf)

I have to visit the ATM today or getting the bus could be problematic. As in not gonna happen without some change.

People at work are reading my blog. At first, I was a little nervous, I tend to pretend no one is reading what I write, so as to not freak out completely and get worried and stop being as honest. Strangely, however, it seems to have helped people see me better, and understand who I really am. They have worked with me 5 years or so now, and, I think, are just starting to know better who I am inside (weird, but true)

I noticed at work, that they get my jokes a bit faster. Um…er..that’s interesting. I can’t explain. It’s like they see me for the first time, as myself. What is most touching, is that they seem to like me as I am. I have never been so exposed and seen. While my introvert side is scared spitless, she is also kinda liking being teased and included in conversation she wouldn’t have ventured into before.

Maybe this being exposed and taking chances thing isn’t so bad after all. I still wanna withdraw to recharge, but people seem to anticipate it now. I am changing, and…I kinda like it. I am getting closer to the me in my head. The person I want to be.

Open, kind, listening. Giving people my attention, and knowing they notice, that they matter to me, even if, I can only show it in small ways. I am very nervous, but also curious. I tend to let people decide if they want me to interact with them. Sometimes they don’t, but I’m the queen of introversion, I get it.

I like people, but maybe they have just started to realize my secret, I am not as disinterested as they might believe, it’s more that I am oddly shy about personal, versus work. I appear like an extrovert in my work persona, it’s easy to assume that is the true me, but the fact is, I am an introvert. I just pretend I am not.

This is a little frightening really. My sister Shay, pointed all this out (figured this out?) years ago, but I didn’t know what she meant, at the time. She said people get confused by me because I seem disinterested, but really, I am very approachable. That the way I am is a defense mechanism to prevent getting hurt. Well hell. I dunno.

So, here goes. Hi, I’m Bekki. I am going on 42 years old, and I am, right this second, the place I want to be within myself.

Someone mentioned wanting to be 21 again and live life over, knowing what they know now. I disagreed. I don’t want to go back. I like me perfectly right as I am, right now. I like that I have gotten older. I like seeing my body change. I like that I have earned my place in time. My hair is greying, and I am a mom. My body is nowhere near slender. I am more thoughtful and introspective. I have confronted my flaws and mistakes. I know who I was before, and who I am now. I know me. I accept.

Lately my development has been about forgiveness. “Let the past go” is easy, as a cookie cutter comment, but harder, in actual practice. You should hear me talking to myself as I meditate through my personal history. I get so feisty, not wanting to heal scars that I can use as excuses for my lacks. Handy things crutches, but they don’t really help you heal. You only heal when you put pressure on that foot again. Crutches just hold you up, walking moves you forward.

Yes, I was hurt. Yes, they shouldn’t have hurt me. People hurt people. That is the world happening to you. Time to be proud of me. I am no longer my past. My past is gone. I am stronger and maybe, those struggles helped me get that way.

So, “Let the past go” Yes. I am ready. Next step, here I come.

Ninja showers, I have decided, are kinda empowering.