Sometimes the only thing I got to give, is my integrity. I honor it more than pride, more that vanity, more than my life.
When I die, I want people to say, that even if they didn’t like me, I was damned fair in my dealings with them.
This is also me in love.
Painful as it can be, I will always stab myself with my own damned sword, before betraying the integrity of love. I will look into the eyes of the one I am hurting, and give it to them honest. They may not like what my heart tells me about our future together, but they can’t say I wasn’t right there taking their words and reactions. Giving them the chance to look at me and tell me whatever they think of me. Letting them see that I am not liking the taste of something ending, any more than they are.
I don’t know why things happen like they do. I don’t know why. I have no why available. All I have is honesty and faith that this path is leading me to a place I am meant to go. Staying with someone, just cause you’re scared of what’s coming, is bullshit. The reason to stay is because you can’t bear to let go, not because you are afraid of where you will go next, but because they are the thing that you can’t see yourself without.
I don’t know where that balance went, but it hurts. I lost something precious to me, and I cannot pretend I am not affected by losing it. I can’t make promises I can’t keep, and I won’t. He deserves to be someone’s 100%. If I can’t give him that, I can get the hell out of the way, of the someone who will, one day, appreciate him better. I might regret it too.
So, here it is, the thing I am healing from since July.
Integrity isn’t an easy thing to create. That’s why it’s called integrity.
Just my thoughts.