69. Where do you see yourself in five years?
This one is hard for me. 6 months ago, I thought I had a future mapped out. My heart is healing, but I still tear up over it sometimes. It’s nobodies fault, things just happen sometimes and you find yourself making new dreams, albeit slowly, and with more tentative steps.
What I’d really, really like, if I am honest, is a home. A place to belong. A place where I can slowly buy things to make the place mine. A place I can make welcoming and warm. I fantasize about making a home so comfortable people fall asleep in my livingroom. I’d just cover them with a comfort quilt and let them sleep.
I imagine learning to cook things in my very own kitchen. Trying out recipes and giggling over mistakes. Taking photos of each attempt, like a book of memories.
I want a job I love doing. I like to write. I’d love to share writing with others. How much fun would it be to be able to get others (even kids) interested in writing? Interested in storytelling. I would really love to show people they can write. They may not think they can, but there are stories inside everyone. They just need a way to tell that story that suits them. Some use words, some use photography, some paint. Every single person, has a story to tell. I’d love to be the one to show them they can tell it.
I’d like children in my life. Adoption, birth, friendship, I don’t care how, just that I like young hearts near me..it keeps me young. I get terribly attached to children. They fascinate me.
I’d like to move somewhere new. A place to explore and experience. I have learned that I am never bored with learning. I love travel and I love, love, love, being somewhere active. When I go to new places I am all eyes and interest, so I’d love to be on a city.
I want to see my daughter more. A whole summer. I can’t afford it very much now, but if I’m making wishes, I guess my wish would be for Z to live with me for a while. Years have passed and I feel I am losing important moments and chances to know the emerging person that will one day be, a grown-up Z. It hurts to think about, but my dream is to make Z a place of her own, in my home, where she belongs no matter where she roams.
Love. Hmm. I want love, but, I sorta worry it’s not ever gonna happen again for me. I go all in, and, something in me doesn’t know how to let someone new in. I’m terribly frightened of love these days. Friendship. That, I want very much. Someone warm and kind, to talk to at night, in the dark. I love dark phone calls. I guess, I do want love…I just..my heart feels like maybe it is still weeping and there is no new thread to sew it up yet. That new thread is someone who slowly makes me feel ok again. Someone who just wants companionship at the start. Someone who doesn’t mind just being..no definitions needed. We can let it become whatever it becomes. I am so very tired of expectations. Why can’t men and women just hang out and offer support and comfort without defining it all the time? I guess I am scared I can’t be what men want. I like me and no longer feel the desire to change myself to suit anyone. If someone comes who fits, then yay! I just find I kinda like me now, and I don’t plan to change her anymore, just to keep someone else happy. I’ve done that for love in the past, and she always ends up a face in the mirror I don’t recognize, or worse, hate seeing because she’s not really me.
In 5 years, I want to someone with more income, not a lot of income, just enough to get her own place and still afford to explore the world without starving. I want to know my future is secure and I won’t have to fear getting old or sick. I want to have memories I made with my own two hands. I want laughter and comfort. I want to be someone’s support system. The person they call at 2 am, because I listen. I want to have a dog, maybe even two. I want bubble baths and books. I want pillow fights and tiny child people. I want warm eyes and warmer memories.
Yeah, I want a family. The one I make with my own heart..therefore, under no obligation to be normal or sane. I like people, all kinds. Family. Young or old..doesn’t matter much, so long as they adopt me.