I haven’t meditated in a while, so I wasn’t ready for the insight that decided to land on my head this evening.
A small quiet voice said “If you have faith in your path, why do you keep questioning it?”
There is, of course, only one answer, fear.
I am terribly afraid of being wrong. The Knowing has lead me here and inside me is a terrifying worry that I will be found foolish for trusting something I cannot prove. That I will have walked this path for all this time for something that ends with my certainty shattered.
The voice reminded me that this is what is preventing my faith from being rewarded. I must choose. Choose to believe without proof. Without anything but my gut telling me this is the correct path for me, or, choose to stop and deal with the ramifications of that choice.
I’m not ready to give up. My proof is the steps I have already walked. The signs that lead me here, and the strange but supporting synchronicities that I am not wrong. Synchronicity isn’t fantasy. It is sometimes the only guide we have.
I am choosing to believe in something there are no instructions for. No written map or guidebook. Simply trusting the vibration in my chest.
Eventually there comes a moment where you have to trust, even when you have only faith to move you forward.
You might ask me what “The Knowing” is, but I can’t really explain other than to say, it is a feeling that refuses to stop. An understanding that something is true no matter how many times I try to ignore or disprove its existence. I have fought with myself for many years trying to rationalize this overwhelming understanding that lives inside me. I can only accept. I can only let it be what it wants to be. It’s a natural flow. If I stop fighting it feels right. I cry less and feel less crazy, if I just accept that something I cannot explain rationally is actually happening to me. It’s a good thing, a spiritual thing. An intensely personal thing.
You fight in the beginning, because you have been taught that life is suppose to hurt. That everything has rules and hierarchies.
Eventually you just start listening. You stop fighting. You become quietly happy, but nervous of it. The world doesn’t work this way does it? I keep expecting to fail. Only each time I accept this Knowing, I find things opening up before me.
I think I am changing. I don’t regret my changes, but I often find myself fearful of where I might end up.
Trusting yourself is way harder than people realize. Trusting a feeling that lives against your breastbone even more so.
This is Kundalini