If you had told me in 2008 that I was setting out on a long journey that would challenge my entire soul and make me go through every emotion known to man, but that the journey would be internal more than external. I’d have given the funniest of looks.
2018. In 2018 I will have worked my soul for 10 years.
This being 2017 I am excited but slightly terrified. This is suddenly a countdown.
I have been working on this project for nearly 10 years and this year is already being consumed very quickly.
February. It’s already February.
Some days I feel a failure. Like I haven’t worked enough on this me project.
Other days my brain short circuits at the startled realization that I am becoming. I burst into tears. Grateful. Touched. Blessed.
I am the poorest I have ever been.
I live in a bedroom, in a house not mine.
I sleep on my nephews bunk bed.
I worried, for a while, that I might appear a failure to others who cannot see inside me. Then, one day..realized..they don’t pity me. At some point they learned the inner me and gave it respect. It was me who felt pitiful. It was me who assumed it was pity keeping them near.
I realized my shadow and decided to hug it.
I feared others seeing me as pitiful because I was embarrassed by my own life. Not because anyone else would, but because I did.
More work. But I am learning I love my work, especially the hard bits, because hard bits make you grow.
So…Now comes a new challenge.
The outer appearance.
I am extremely good at the inner..but..the rest of the year is gonna be hard. Time to embrace my beauty.
I need to stop being a slob.
I am the laziest motherfucker when it comes to my body. Time to start looking like the me inside me.
Crap I’m gonna say it out loud.
Exercises. Eating healthy. Writing on a schedule. Polishing my appearance.
Apparently grey roots are not attractive.
Slumping clothing also not attractive.
I am not changing to suit others, I’m changing because it’s all about empowering myself.
Once upon a time I gained weight because I was scared of being seen.
I am strong and I am ready.
I’m gonna shine like a new penny.
Time to look like the writer I am.
Time to match my inside up with my outside.
(insert much cursing here)
I’ve gotten a bit lazy…(understatement of the year)
I’m gonna get a YMCA membership. They cost too much, but I love swimming more than anything. I miss it, so I am going back to what I need.
To do list:
1 year membership YMCA.
A new wardrobe that has clothes that fit nicely, are not for lounging (Nooooooo) and show off my inner sass.
Exercise regime I can live with = Walking on my lunch break.
Getting into a normal sleep schedule. (Much cursing)
Waking early for morning walk. (WHAT is that gold thing in the sky? The Sun. The Moon has a brother?)
Writing schedule. (This is gonna suck hardcore) I have to create office hours…procrastination, thy name is Bekki.
That’s the plan.
When I hit save/post this gets real.