Stop that. Stop that right now! There is no time limit on the human soul and its changes. So, stop trying to make the changes happen faster by cheating. There is no cheating your soul. It happens in its own time.
I understand all to well the need to get past the dark night of the soul. It’s scary, with big teeth. The problem is that it isn’t going to stop happening until you stop and let it happen. Yeah, I know. You hate being out of control of stuff. The thing is, the Dark Night of the Soul, is all about letting go. Letting the hard bits have their pain. Letting the small inner voices cry out and have their say. You buried those voices and, just like all things held down, you need to let them out, eventually. If you don’t they will still come out, but in vastly more painful ways. Don’t sneer. There are, in fact, more painful ways than this, even if this is plenty painful enough.
You have anger. All feeling souls do. They feel hurt and pain and bury it from sight. I know, cause I have my own. There is nothing wrong with crying. Trying not to cry is stupid. Just cry and let it be cleansing. Let the forgiveness come. Don’t give me that look. I know they might not deserve forgiveness, but then, forgiveness wasn’t invented for them. It was invented for you.
Don’t think I know what I am talking about? I was molested. I was molested and the people who were meant to protect me, didn’t know how to offer me healing. Their awkward reactions injured me further. They didn’t mean to, but that doesn’t make it not true. So yeah, I know what I am talking about.
To heal, you have to let yourself hurt. Let yourself be mad. Let yourself howl at the moon and throw things if it helps. Do what you need to do, and then put that hurt down. It’s real hard that part, because we sure do love to use our hurt as an excuse for stuff. After all, might as well get some use out of it right?
The thing is, better people than us have suffered and moved on to do amazing, beautiful and memorable things. They used the pain to grow and become something that challenged the universe. Pain can be an awful good crutch. The problem with leaning on a crutch is, you never go anywhere. To go somewhere, you need to stop leaning and start walking.
I am me. I suffered and I was innocent, but I am not that child anymore. I am the grown-up who hears her and tells her all the things she should have been told. “You are not to blame. You are something beautiful waiting to bloom.” I am not a child anymore. I am me and I am really, really happy with the me I am now.
I have triggers. I know what they are, and I stop myself reacting when they are flipped. Not always successful in stopping before my reaction starts, but always fully aware of where the stuff is coming from when it starts to flare. I don’t forgive once. I forgive each time it comes. Over and over again. I hug my shadows to me and thank them for protecting me. Strong shadows valiantly struggling to shield me.
I am strong. My blades once held nasty things at bay, but the nasty things are gone, and if I keep my blades out, I could cut someone who isn’t my enemy.
I am afraid. Being open is the bravest thing I have ever done. Most especially with my blades sheathed. I can do it. I can heal. I can heal because my mission is to heal others, and one cannot heal if they, themselves, are bleeding.
I can show you the way, if you let me.
Stop fighting. You don’t need to stay in control. You need to learn that there is someone in control bigger than you. The only way to learn that, is not to be in control for once. The most amazing moments come from the realization that you can rest and still be safe from harm. Yes, there is bad in the world. There is also something quietly beautiful waiting to happen. Stop fighting and listen. An answer will come. An answer always comes. Release your dagger and feel.