So, I’m acknowledging a shadow tonight.
I feel inadequate next to people who have a better life than I do. Well, not for myself really, for Z. This shadow hit this evening and I’ll be honest, it really hurts.
I can’t offer my daughter the things other people can and it hurts like a mother-fucker. I’m so jealous of my sister in this moment. I should be happy for her happiness, but instead I can’t stop feeling like I somehow did something wrong in my life. I don’t mind not having stuff. I deal. I always just keep going. I keep going no matter what.
But Z. I want things for Z. I want a nice place for her to come and visit. I want to take her places and show her things, but I can’t. I can’t and my sister can. My sister can do stuff for Z that I can’t do. I am trying to be grateful, because her doing all this stuff for Z is so very kind.
The shadow is in the wishing it was me doing those things. The whispering in my head that says I’m failing and I’m letting Z down by not being more.
My heart hurts and I am struggling with this. I know gladness and acceptance. I just need to forgive myself for not being all the things I think I should be. That way I can see the truth. My sister loves me. She’s helping me because she loves us both.
The resentment is my shadow and I see it for what it is. Anger at myself for not being someone else. Someone better.
I am better than this. I will be more one day, I just need to be less critical of myself and keep working hard to reach my happiness.
Z doesn’t care about things. She cares about me. This isn’t Z, or my sister. This is me.
This is my anger at myself for not being someone with their own home and a bigger income.
The good news is that knowing where it hurts is the fastest way to healing it.
Being honest with yourself is a lot of work.