It happened slowly. Like a slow drip. A whisper, a cello, a low tone just below the hearing, but rising gently.
It had the sound of many voices. Many. They sounded like people I knew. People who loved me and wanted me to love me. It was like music.
For once, I didn’t do the practiced thing and discard their words, certain they were just being kind. I accepted. Yes, please. Thank you.
Something happened then.
I looked at my body and made peace with it. It gave me a child. It carried that child inside me, protected her, and helped me become a mother. It may not look like it to anyone else’s eye, but my body is beautiful. It did what I desperately wanted it to do. Yes, a blessing. This is a blessing some never experience. Respect for them means respecting my body for this gift.
The whispers grew louder. They started chiming in with each negative thought. Telling me to stop. Telling me to see, truly see, what I had been telling myself each day. They started telling me the opposite. When I thought negatively, they spoke positively. When I felt lost, they found me. These voices were kinda cool.
I started laughing more. Trying new things. Feeling less awkward when things went a little loopy and lopsided. I began to enjoy failing, because it meant I was trying something I’d never done before. Failure became a thing I didn’t fear. It became proof I was progressing into new territory. I was growing!
Little by little, I fell in love. With the way I cry because I care. At the way I suddenly understood that I wasn’t broken, I was mending. One is in a state of just being, the other is in a state of becoming. How I loved becoming much better!
One day I looked in the mirror, and she was smiling. I made a funny face at her and she laughed back. I realized I was happy.
I was in love, with me.
Lessons became less battles and more like vigorous challenges. Each step I accomplished became proof of my affection being true.
I love me.
Now something new is happening to me. Because I love me, I know how to love you.
I know how this thing works now.
And I have a new thing to love and heal.