I keep typing, hoping that if I write enough words down, some of this will all make sense.
Each turn in the path brings me new shadows, but also new light. I’ve grown use to just accepting things others would question. It’s not that I don’t find these things strange, it’s that they don’t really stop just because they are.
Over time you just get exhausted trying to see things as the rest of the world might want you to, and just accept that, for you, the world has opened doors and perceptions that are closed to others.
I don’t feel superior or special, so much as lonely. I want others to see the things I see, validate me perhaps. It helps that I have friends who have also experienced an Awakening. What did I ever do without them in my life?
I am on a spiritual quest. I have battled my shadows and unconscious assumptions until I know them intimately. Some I am deeply ashamed of. I don’t hide them anymore though, I live confronting them, destroying them, recreating something from them. I work hard to change my taught perceptions and even harder to strengthen the noble ones.
I’m learning the value in silence. I always thought meditation was a cool concept. Light some candles, sit and think over life and time. What a dumb person I was, thinking meditation was just relaxing. It isn’t, it never has been.
Meditation is calming yourself down and stilling your outward, so the inner can speak. It’s not so much calming, as connecting. Lately, I come out of my meditation not having realized how long I sat there. My inner has a lot to say.
My guides are so present in my thoughts I communicate with them as simply as I would another person. You know you have guides when every single negative thought is challenged. Every selfish impulse is squashed. Every loving dream is nudged forward. Guides are more gentle and loving towards you, than you are towards yourself.
This next step is very hard. I have leaned on this spirit connection for soo long that letting go is very frightening. My guides tell me it’s time.
Appreciation cannot (should not) be damaged by obsession. It would turn something that heals into something that hurts. The total opposite of who I want to become.
I have to learn trust in something I have no proof exists. My final test is one of blind faith.
Somehow, it’s fitting.