There was a time, a moment, when I was a kid. That I discovered I had a voice. I could be anything I wanted to be. I was convinced that I was like Punky Brewster and I could do anything. I was unstoppable. I was soo happy, so unbearably delighted, that I’m pretty sure, my mom thought I was completely hopped up on sugar. I wanted to roar. I wanted to roar loudly and boldly, so I did, and it was glorious!
Then, as I grew up. Things happened to me. Things that told me I wasn’t all the things I thought I was. I wasn’t strong. I wasn’t enough. I needed to apologise, often, for being female. For being bold. For thinking my voice mattered just as much as everyone else’s.
I heard it shouted into my face, whispered into my ear. I felt it shoved to the ground and held still. People telling me I couldn’t do things. Always with the reasons. Reasons that changed as I aged. Because you are poor. Because you are weak. Because you are a woman. Because you are Dyslexic. Because you are married. Because you have a child. Because you aren’t pretty. Because you aren’t skinny. Because you are too old.
When people tell you no often enough, and sometimes with accompanying “lessons” in what should be your proper place. You tend to eventually give in and do what is expected of you. To make peace. To appease everyone.
When I finally woke up to my truths. My simmering anger and furious heart filled by the betrayal of realizing I was never going to be enough for people. I was only ever going to be enough when I did what I wanted. Forced respect instead of expecting compassion and fairness. Found my voice. Found my place because I did what my heart called me to do. It was all because a voice inside me said No.
Just no. Over and over again.
“This is YOUR life”, she whispered. “Do you plan to die never being anything you dream of being?”
That voice sounded suspiciously like that Punky Brewster version of myself from long ago.
That was the day I found my voice. It had been lost, but I got it back.
It took awhile..but, now I am where I was meant to be…at the start of my new journey.
Today. I released all the words. The baggage. The pain and the anger.
Because I don’t need those things anymore. Good or bad. I have become.
Despite all of the things. I am here. I am become.
Despite all barriers I have fought for 10 years to finally land here. Ready to just roar my heart out.
Time to roar Motherfuckers!