Bekki

Purposeful Incompetence

What is purposeful incompetence you ask? It’s when someone purposely does some task badly so that they are never asked to do that thing again.

I have been surrounded by (mostly men) people doing this my ENTIRE life.

Take 2 teenagers, for example, one is a girl, the others a boy. They are both forced by mom to do the dishes. Boy does them badly on purpose. The girl, usually won’t. Why?  Because, if she does she will be corrected much more harshly by her parents for the transgression. Girls are raised from a tender young age that it is their “duty” as women, to do these tasks and they will be taught this lesson over and over again.

This is what people mean when they say “boys will be boys” it’s not just a weird saying..it’s an entire mentality.

Men grow up with this taught mentality and use it in their marriages. This taught belief that house chores are a “woman’s” responsibility.

Don’t believe me? I give you exhibit A:

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This was posted to Facebook. This is why I teasure men who were taught to do chores. That they aren’t entitled. That if they live somewhere, they are part of the household, and thus, expected to clean.

This guy (points up) probably thinks he’s just being funny. The truth is, he’s being a bad husband and setting a disgustingly patriarchal view on gender roles.

Like I said, men who clean are far sexier to me than a good smile and nice hair. Give me a man who does the dishes and I will show you a man who thinks about women as people.

Bekki

July 18th, 2019

Sometimes we can’t say the things inside us. There are just no words that adequately convey what is being felt.
Such sorrow, such love, such regret. There is acceptance but, it comes at the cost of letting go of really cherished dreams.

I have known such loss but, to regret it is to lose things. The loss is to either side of things. To not go, or to go. In the end I choose not to change anything. Even in pain there is memory.

Why does my throat feel tight suddenly? My eyes sting and I want to remember and forget at the same time.

There is no such thing as a worthwhile life that exists without accommodating pain.

Pain, teaches. It may be the teacher you hate most, but it teaches you regardless. The lessons you learn are perhaps even more valuable..because bleeding has value.

My mind is walking today and I cannot call it back. Flashes of who I am cannot be contained in a fake smile, so I just stay here in my room accepting the lesson.

My soul is tired but aware of itself today.

Bekki

Worth it

Do you think it will matter
when you come?
When you no longer feel vital or relevant?
When your penny isn’t shiny
and your legs less strong?
Will it matter?
More than the happiness that you’ve come at last, to rest those tired eyelids?
Come, let us see…
your eyes are tired
but still you,
yeah, still you.
Hearts bloom even at 99.

Bekki

Ok, soo it’s finally happened

I just got notification of my 1st ever pending paycheck without child support coming out.

I can finally pay my security deposit and confirm to myself that my dream of living on my own is finally happening.

Time to start socking money away for a security cushion.

That’s just how we Cappies roll.

Soo much I want to do with this new life.

Cooking.
Sewing.
Decorating.
Writing.

This blog is about to get busier. 😀

Bekki

Presque Isle

I currently have 4 days off work. It’s like a mini holiday. Shay and I drove to Conneaut to see my family. My mum’s been ill and before I move to Wisconsin, I wanted to see everyone.

We had such fun today!

Talking and laughing on the drive down. Lots of sharing personal thoughts. Got to Joey D’s, saw the twins, and we all decided to go to the beach together.

Presque Isle beach 11. What a fun time! That sister share thing that happens when you get time to catch up on life. We are all over 40, so the conversational topics were freaking hilarious.

Got Joey D with a handful of cold water down her back. Priceless.

I will be gotten back..this I know. Lol

Afterward, came home and fell asleep on the couch. Given my lack of having slept I think that was totally acceptable.

Woke to a bonfire and Reeses Peanut Butter Cup Smores….OMG! Totally yummo.

Reconnected with my recently graduated nephie. (Congrats dude!)

Finished the day off with some Youtube podcasts. Fell asleep AGAIN.

Best day in a long time.

Going to see mom tomorrow.

 

Bekki

I have the best idea for a Korean Drama

It’s called “Red Scarf”

It’s about a girl who starts a letter friendship with a man she meets in the city but has never actually seen.

He knows her but she doesn’t know him. He works for a high-level CEO, as a bodyguard, and sees her always being treated badly by her boss, which he witnesses when daily visiting the same coffeehouse with his own boss. To make her life easier he does nice little things for her, like buying her a meal and more comfortable shoes when she gets a blister. Only he can’t reveal it’s him because he’s on duty.

The girl posts a letter to him on the coffee house wall (since she’s not sure who he is) along with a red scarf, she made him, and gives her email address and tells him not to be shy, that it’s ok just to write letters. She gets lots of responses to the email (from funny to asinine) but only one gets the follow-up question right, which is:  What did she add to the scarf? The answer is a little silver heart charm.

They begin writing/texting each other but, he feels his job is a lowly one and dangerous (his boss has a lot of enemies) so he has to be convinced to meet her..(whilst he still doesn’t tell her his name or occupation). He calls her “Red Scarf” and she calls him “The Shy Oppa”

Finally she convinces him to reveal himself as they have grown quite close. Only, the CEO is attacked and our hero gets hurt by the fire he saves his boss from.

The Shy Oppa doesn’t make it to the date because he is in the hospital. Face and body scarred from the fire.

His boss betrays him and refuses to compensate the Shy Oppa for his service. The hospital bill isn’t paid and the boss fires him because he has to use a cane from other injuries he suffered.

The Shy Oppa falls into depression and decides to end his life. He’s all set to do it and as he’s going to the location, of his planned death, an old lady sees the scarf he took with him because he’s thinking of “Red Scarf” and says it’s really pretty and that someone must really care about him.

He starts to cry because the fact that people are afraid of him now and that his closest friends and family have abandoned him because they are uncomfortable with both his loss of income and loss of looks (he was very very handsome and had lots of women liking him) is the main reason he decided to commit suicide.

He feels nobody cares about him now. Only, this girl does..and she never saw his face..only him as he is inside.

We see him decide to live. He visits her just once…without her knowing, and takes a picture of her.

In seclusion he begins to learn to slow down and notice life. He realises that he has a talent for painting. He can paint and not hurt his body and moving slowly is ok when you live in the country.

He reconnects with nature and himself. He becomes quite famous for his paintings. They have a mysterious air about them because they feature a red scarf stretching across or looped around things in each painting. The people who love the paintings comment that the red scarf isn’t random..it appears to lead somewhere. Each painting moves over land like its a map, getting closer and closer to something.

The painter moves back into the city after being convinced to paint a final series of this Red Scarf subject and then finally reveal himself to the public at the showing..he agrees on one condition, they must hire him someone to care for him and drive him around while he does his painting, as his life has gotten more complicated if he lives in the city and he doesn’t want to be seen outside his home as much. Also, he’s a bit lonely from living in the country but doesn’t want to admit he wants to be around someone.

The woman they hire turns out to be “Red Scarf” and he is shocked to see her after soo long.

We see him reminiscing and learning how she’s changed. She has a very beautiful personality but a hard life. Her parents died in a huge fire. She’s the eldest and struggles to feed them and keep the house.

The Shy Oppa tries not to hire her, at first, because he’s terrified she’ll be scared of him or worse, recognize him, but she cries and begs him to please let her work for him. He asks her “Aren’t you scared of me?” To which she replies “You got hurt saving someone like my parents did, if they had lived,  I would have been soo happy even if they had scars, I would see their scars and think …*this is the face of someone who suffered so someone could live*”

This touches him deeply. He doesn’t reveal himself..still too scared to reveal himself to her. but he can’t say no…just as always, he can’t help but want to take care of her, because she’s fiercely trying to live happy, even when she suffers.

He hires her and they start working in the same house.

Lots of scenes of him noticing her and thinking “Yes, this is who you always are…”

The paintings progress and they grow even closer. She defends him and teaches him how to face others and she quietly supports him showing him how to approach people and get them to see he’s not scary even if he is scarred.

He runs into his old boss and enraged wants his revenge..but, over several episodes she stops him and leads him back to a place of forgiving even those who don’t deserve it..to find peace for himself.

The final painting scene is my favorite idea. We finally see the final painting and it’s where the red scarf is seen being knitted on the needles of a beautiful girl sitting on a bench in the sun. The scarf has been added to the image ftom the photo he snapped of her before he left the city.

“Red Scarf” sees the painting and rushed to find the scarf. She noticed it before and even wondered, at one point, if it was the same scarf..but, red scarfs do all look similar..and when she checked it, it didn’t have the charm.

She finds “Shy Oppa” and asks him outright if it’s him. He lies and says it isn’t because there is a handsome guy who is friends with her (rival love interest) and he thinks she deserves a “Pretty love” he almost convinces her but she turns and goes back just as he thinks he’s lost her forever…she grabs his shirt and pulls it down..revealing the charm on a chain around his neck. He’s been wearing it the whole time.

She yells at him for lying and he tells her about his “Pretty love” theory and she responds with “What about you and I isn’t pretty?” and yells at him about his pretty letters, pretty heart and pretty paintings.”  He responds that he isn’t pretty…he will never be pretty. She replies “*this is the face of someone who suffered so someone could live* it’s not pretty…it’s beautiful and I love this face.”

Again she asks “What about you isn’t pretty?” To which he finally accepts that she loves him.

The symbolism (and possible voice over) of course, is that he wasn’t aware of it, but that scarf was always just leading him back to where it all began..where he found his “Red Scarf”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bekki

50 days left before I move…

Meanwhile, renovations of my store is making me lose my mind. 3 weeks..it’s going to be going on for 3 weeks.

I arrived to work last night and they completely gutted the breakroom. Like customers who are going to the bathroom can see you eating lunch because there is no wall and no door…oy!

I am not a fan of torn down messes. My inner tidy person is having fits…for realz!

 

Bekki

Ready Player One

People keep debating which is better, the movie or the book.

Me? I read the book waaaay waaay back before the movie.

I reread the book this past week and then, watched the movie.

I kinda like em both. The book has nostalgic things from my generation and the movie has nostalgic things for the current generation.

The scary part is how much of that world I can see trending in the current one.

What’s truly frightening is how possible that world is.

Bekki

Natal Notebook

I added 3 more links to my natal notebook, doesn’t sound like much, but, I’m also working feverishly to transfer my poetry archives to my new professional blog. It’s taking a lot of time on the computer.

With working 3rd shift (11 pm- 7 am) that makes for a very tired Bekki. Mostly, because I stay up until around 2 pm and finally crash like a big bear once my energy gets to the point of kicking my butt. By the time 2 pm comes around I have generally already put in an entire work shift and then added on 7 more hours with lots of writing, reading,  and learning.

Speaking of which, um…it’s 3:30 pm.. I’m pushing my luck.

Goodnight all!

Bekki

Sooo…ex boyfriend from 1992

My sister is friends with the guy I dated in high school, and invited him over this past weekend, to spend time with her and go to a concert.

Well, I was expecting it to be awkward.

He was dating me but, took another girl to prom…

Did I mention I bought his tux in hopes he would ask me to go?  He showed up prom night, at our house, with his date…(who wasn’t me) because he was giving my sister a lift. They took photos. I babysat for my neighbor instead.

Yup. Definately expected it to be awkward.

Oddly enough…It was kinda ok.

26 years does that.

Another bad memory set to rest.

Phew*

Bekki

Does anyone else do this?

I was thinking quite hard about something significant and suddenly wondered what expression this thinking created. So, I snapped a photo of myself.
I was really curious about if my face would reveal my thinking.

I think, maybe, it does.

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Ps. It’s really surprisingly hard to hold an expression while you open your damn camera app.

 

Bekki

Clasp

All my best moments
in one breath.
Lined up in my head like a cheering squad of angels.
Reminders of my ability to suceed, even in the bleakest of days.
In one breath, they stream from me.
Surround my fragile heart with warmth and light.
Letting me know that a new dream has begun.
Reach for it.