Wanted: A man to regularly annoy with my non-presence

I wish I could just pick a random interesting and amazing guy off Instagram to be my friend and write them long annoying letters about random crap and not have them think I am out of my mind or looking to hook-up with them.

I honestly just want someone male to talk to about stuff and not have it be weird. No, I’m not looking for a romantic partner or even a sexual one. No, I’m totally serious.

I also need them to be ok with me ignoring them for really long periods mixed with periods of the extreme opposite where I then completely overwhelm them with too much information and sharing at  3 am through email and text.

To be honest, I just want someone to talk to about art, film, music, travel, and dorky stuff I’m interested in learning about (but mostly probably just dorky junk I find online)

Anyone interested in writing someone who has absolutely 0 interest in being romantic with them? Anyone?

(Crickets)

See, I’m an Introvert..this is what we are like. This is why I have like 3 close friends…Sigh** I’m soo not good with the in person thing. Writing is my comfort place but, there are obvious problems with that..mainly, that most people like to know the person they are talking to in real life or eventually would like to actually see you in person.

Thing is, that’s not something an introvert does easily, if ever. I have one speed..extremely slow. Like, think snail’s pace. I’m interesting on paper but a total spaz in person. I need a friend who doesn’t mind that I don’t want them to meet me until I’ve known them a minimum of 6 months or so..or like um..maybe never.

I want to know everything about you to the point that you are slightly uncomfortable with how much you have shared about yourself. Yup. That’s my happy place. Can we like, make that happen maybe?

Anyone?

(Cue the crickets again)

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Sad part 2

You have become the voice in my head.
Even when I try to shut you out,
run away,
stand alone.
I hear you.

Like a soft wind you forever map my dreams,
shape my thoughts,
tempt my heart.

I chose you but tried to say goodbye.

tried.
failed.
You are the voice in my head
You belong there.
I’ll keep waiting.

Sad

I keep looking for you
but, you never seem to arrive,
do you?

You wander like a ghost
forgetting that time passes
and forgotten people wander away.

I feel like a small sound
in a room full of them.

You have to be looking to see the sun.
Maybe, you were too busy,
watching the stars.

I can’t bring myself to be angry.
These other paths aren’t mine to travel.
I can only travel my own.

I miss you though.
I’ll always miss you.

But, I’m not looking for you.
Anymore.

Secret thoughts

Sometimes my thoughts go to weird places. Generally, I am a grateful, happy gal..but, I’m also human…and I have dreams of my own and, at times, not having things the way I dream is hard on me.

I’m not asking for an easy life without putting the work in, I’m a hard worker who just wants to become more than I am right now.

Today my heart wishes for a real true conversation with someone. No bullshit, just real. I don’t wanna know how much you paid for your new jeans. I could care less about what you had for lunch. I just really, really want to know what you think about when you go silent. Your silent thoughts are the ones I need most but am too shy to ask for.

I feel guilty sometimes for having not-so-sweet thoughts. The kind of thoughts that are real but, totally not fair or properly balanced by gratitude.

There are truths you can’t always run away from.

So here’s one of my not-so-sweet secret thoughts. Just to get it off my chest and stuff.

I live with other people. No matter how nice it is, it will never be the same as my own place. There are spoken and unspoken requirements. These requirements sometimes make me tired as hell.

I live with the secret fear that at any moment I could make someone mad at not living up to the requirements they unconsciously and consciously burden me with. There is no relaxing 100%. Because to live with others, is to not be alone in your choices, not ever. I run a litany of thoughts throughout the week: Did I take too much food? Did I help clean enough? Was I too needy, too chatty, not chatty enough? Did I make them feel alienated with my introvert ways? Are they secretly annoyed by my habits? Should I ask? Should I leave them alone?

Then there is the stifling of my feelings. No matter what, I can’t get too mad, or too inconvenienced because, hey! They let me live here. Even if they do give me no notice and leave the house for 3 days and expect me to watch their dogs. Even if they do ask me for the rent early because a bill popped up. Even if they did promise me a lift home and then proceeded to stop somewhere on the way home for a 3 hour visit with someone I don’t even know. These are things you stifle away because if you do get mad, they can kick you out..and then you are so so screwed really.

Don’t misunderstand though, these are also the people who get up at 5 am because you need a lift to work on a holiday and the buses don’t run. The people who buy you a gift because you watched their dogs for three days spurr of the moment.  They love you even through snowstorms and thunderstorms. They are the people who try, even if, they sometimes do weird or inconvenient things that, as a renting family member, you just gotta accept and get over sometimes.

Soo..yeah. Me. I love my family. They are pretty awesome to me.

The thing is, people don’t really understand that there is an underlying tension that exists and never goes away. When you live with family, there’s just stuff. It just exists. You often feel like a burden on others because you know that taking you in is sacrifice and well..that’s just how it is.

No matter how chill your housemates are. You can never truly forget, even for a moment, that your stay is continent upon them wanting you there. Which, kinda sucks sometimes.

Voices

It begins with a whisper
defiantly spoken.
A tiny shout in a room full of screams to be silent.
A fearful stubborn.
A refusal.
A scream that, though small and weak,
finds itself joined by others made stronger,bolder,less simple, more powerful.

A whisper is just strength that hasn’t yet found its family.

Let us join forces.
No longer are you just a voice,
You are voices.
And voices have a way of rising.

Like the sun, we rise.