Dear Man with 5 Typewriters,

I don’t know your story. I just know that family relationships are kinda hard and often complicated.

My relationship with my own father was extremely complicated and definitely very private.

 

I’m sorry for your loss.

Bekki

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Today I learned…

Privately it startles me when anyone remembers some part of my life that held deep significance to me, but to which I only flippantly alluded, in order to hide the way it affected me. I do this because I don’t want them to worry about me. To learn I fooled them not at all, somehow, makes the fact that they respected my need to lock it away, all the more moving.

When someone knows you this well, you honor and respect them beyond just words. It is a physical thing, this weight of love I feel. My heart will never let go of my sister. Her silent ways humble me.

 

 

Zzzzzz

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I am soo bloody tired! Tomorrow is my 6th working day in a row.

I am finally getting the details of my new job down and I’m getting to know everyone. I am making less mistakes and I seem to be doing ok at it. I really do appreciate everyone who works there who has assisted my learning. It’s been an interesting week, truly.

The weather is really affecting my mood. I finally have the bus route set the way I like it and I keep making friends on the bus. I don’t mean to, but people are soo interesting,  I find myself chatting by accident.

Like, last night we chatted about traveling on the bus at night, and how hard it is to see properly enough at some spots to know you are in the right place, and how you often worry you have missed your stop. The night before that I engaged in a conversation about crafting hobbies and trying new things. It was really lovely. The people here are soo kind. I like them, they have deep hearts in Wisconsin.

The cold weather though. OMFG!!! Seriously! Walking on the road because they salt it and not the sidewalk is kinda bullshit. Meh! Thank goodness for bicycle lanes. The sidewalk resembled a plate glass window all the way downhill.

My nephew says I should just call him and he’d be happy to come get me where the bus lets off, but I am damned stubborn. I don’t want to make taking me up the hill so I don’t have to walk the 30 min home, a thing he has to do every night. My nephew, Josh, already does a lot. He cooks for the entire household (because he’s an amazing cook!) and he often picks my other nephew up from school after he works a full shift of his own job. I just think I am too independent to do that too often.

Also, on the way to work I actually spotted a book house. These little houses are all over La Crosse. They look like  medium-sized bird houses with shelves. They have books protected by a little glass door with a latch. The concept is that people can borrow a book and return it once it’s been read, leave a book they no longer need themselves and are donating,  or take a book and give it a new home ( generally giving a book from your own library to take its place).

I found an interesting one by Lorna Landvik  that starts in the 60’s and follows the lives of five friends from middle-age into their Senior years as they go through the many various struggles and challenges of being a married woman in the age of men. The book is called Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons. (I love the title because the Bon-bon comment was a common fallacy of housewives, inferring that all housewives do all day is sit around eating Bon-bons.)

I was just going to borrow it, but I am kinda in love with the characters already. I feel this book in my heart. I might end up actually buying a book to put in there just to replace it.

My life is feeling a bit sweet and sour at the moment. The steps are leading somewhere, I know they are, I just hate not seeing the final picture already. I don’t want a life that’s just “Good enough” I want a life that makes me feel alive.

Dream list:

Get my own apartment

Laptop computer

Write my book

Get published

Make a living as a writer.

Add more to my list once I get to this point.

February 11, 2018 (Sunday)


February 11, 2018 (Sunday):

I must have been extremely tired. I slept from 11 pm to 10:30 this morning. It felt lovely, even though I missed out on the outing with my sister, I didn’t mind one bit being left.

Some days are just like that. They saved me a donut (or three) and some coffee before taking off again. (I cannot express how amazing that kind of family love is to someone like me, who is completely use to being misunderstood and criticised for not being the same extroverted personality…having an extrovert understand you is amazing. Apparently my sister’s family has adopted me.) I lay abed just dreaming and making up funny stories in my head. (INFP in full effect). Then, went on Pinterest for my daily Instagram posting fix. I found some gems this time, hope everyone liked them.

My nephew came back with a present he bought for me. A candle with a wooden wick and wooden lid. The wooden wick makes it crackle while it burns, like a real fire, and the wooden lid makes it look incredibly beautiful aesthetically. The scent is Twilight Jasmine. OMG. I was incredibly moved. I love these kinds of things, and I hate these kinds of things. I feel completely exposed when I am moved. I hate crying in front of people because of this.

I have been crying a lot these last 2-3 months. All happy tears, but all extremely effective at disarming me and making me feel radically outside my comfort zone. Good certainty, but also foreign territory.

How strange that one can get use to being alone soo much they feel uncomfortable when surrounded by affection.

My life is changing. I’m surrounded by new things I haven’t had before. I am scared to get use to these things, worried they will go away again. I am just so damned use to surviving. Suddenly living without struggling is very strange. My soul weeps in surprise and nervousness.