Understanding not required

You may not always understand me, but you are always trying to show support. Sometimes knowing you’re there and are trying to embrace my happiness is enough for me. We may fail sometimes, to obtain the same viewpoint, but the fact that you even want to means more, so much more, than having the moment reflected back at me. Your pride in my accomplishments is contentment enough, it doesn’t need more.

I don’t always get you either, but that’s ok. It’s the core things that matter. Your passion and commitment to what you love. Your embracing of these strange things I know absolutely nothing about, but can see sets you on fire with joy. You do that for me, and I do that for you.

Let’s just celebrate that we both care about each other’s happiness, and leave it at that.


September 22, 2017

Truly haven’t much to report today. Had a bit of a huge lie-in today that made my extremely tired body very happy. The dreams were pretty damned nice. (Though the cast of happy days was somewhat pause-worthy in the what?? category).

My dreams have been kinda wonderful lately. Especially the one with K, on Thursday. I was a bit sad because he hasn’t been in my dreams lately. More than made up for by the most recent dream. I was pretty much blushing when I woke up because I kissed him on the neck mid-dream. How strange is my life, really? No, really. Am I the only person on the planet who actually grew up with an imaginary friend that exists in dreams instead of reality?

The dream had a group of children in it and I don’t remember much about the first part. The second part had me berating a set of 4 parents who were bickering continuously and not paying proper attention to their children who were upset by the harsh yelling they were doing.

The kids had formed a kind-of loving bond among themselves that was clearly the antithesis of the parent relationships’.

My bad-ass dream self warned them not to break up those kids just because they (the adults) all hated each other. (Usually dream self is a bit annoying, but I was totally on board with protecting kids and supporting loving bonds).

My dreams are generally pretty strange. I actually started writing them down last year. You can read them here.




One slender thread

I start with a single step and slowly walk forward.There is sound, but it’s muted, pushed into the background by the presence of my first thought. One thought, that I connect with another. This new thought joins up with three more, and suddenly, I am no longer walking, I’m leaping off the ground and taking flight.

I have learned to let the thoughts go where they will, just follow, let them show the way. So many memories that flutter back and touch down onto my skin, making a mark that covers my soul like the most beautiful butterfly wings. There are harsh lessons, but they have lead me somewhere special. A place that I wouldn’t have appreciated or stopped to notice, had I not been tired from my struggle, and forced to pause for breath.

How those hard moments made a better me. I would have denied wanting those lessons if you’d asked me before they happened, but..now, with this new trembling thought, I accept the pain that had to be. There is no shortcut, there is only through. If you don’t go through it, you don’t understand the gift when it is taught. That is just the truth.

I let my mind continue. I remember the laughter that I didn’t realize had become a memory, until I remember it. I pause considering how I should tell you that moment meant something to me. Perhaps I haven’t told you recently how much I love you. I jot a quick note, continue the flow.

These connections are like a spider-web, joining here, trailing away there. Forming a picture of something so delicate and tender. The realization that I am joyful. These patterns are me. These thoughts my own. I am becoming.

I’m so very proud of this life. It’s small and simple, but it contains beauty all its own. These tapestries live in my head, but they are alive and glowing.

When the dark comes. When I doubt. I want to remember this place that my thoughts have flown me into.

Others may not understand, there are parts of me I don’t share. Not because they won’t understand, but because the words don’t convey enough to properly honor the feeling that comes.

This place I go inside myself, is my sacred. It makes me remember who I am, who I am becoming, and where I came from.

I am enough.