Uncomfortable with truths

The weird thing about wisdom is that, even if you absolutely don’t want to hear it, you can always tell it is the truth, just from the resonance in your soul at the hearing.

It always wrecks me. Sometimes I am so frustrated, I cry and curl up in my bed hurting because inner work is fucking hard. It never stops the work a soul has in front of it. I’m always soo sure I’m done. Then, quite suddenly, I realize I have only just begun my work.

My ego has 95% of the blame. I hate thinking that the control isn’t in my hands. I have the task of flow. Knowing without knowing. Acceptance without proof is hard for a Capricorn. Earth signs really, really hate not being in control. We like control because we trust ourselves and only ourselves to get it right, not always from ego, but from love. We don’t want anyone getting hurt on our behalf. We also don’t exactly like pain ourselves.

So, wisdom. It hits me and I know, I KNOW that I didn’t see something I needed to see. My guides are stubborn fuckers. They guide me even if I scream the whole way.

Why do people describe spiritual work like this peaceful, quiet, contemplative thing, all rational and proper?

I sream my fucking head off! I punch pillows, yell and say the F-word. I have often, with complete sincerity, told my angels to fuck off. I do not and cannot fight without getting dirty or bloody in the process. Healing is messy work.

It is also all that other stuff. Peaceful and quiet, contemplative and silent. Generally after I finally stop struggling and cursing and lay exhausted on the bed crying.

My angels wait for that, then, they teach me. Me, who is finally listening. You’d think I’d learn to shortcut right to the listening part, but…each new lesson starts with denial of something being broken. The broken thing needs to be sanitized and prepped for healing before it can be healed. It has to be confronted and confrontation doesn’t just happen when you are ready. It happens when you are ready but don’t want to start yet.

Wisdom. Even when you want it to be a lie, your heart recognizes truth when it hears it. I have walked soo far forward, but don’t be fooled, I’m not anywhere near done.

I just don’t hide anymore. I’m ready for the process, even if I scream a lot when it comes upon me.

I’m a warrior who’s tending her wounds.



On another note:

I find my squares in Neptune slightly hilarious. Hilarious, because they are flipped in such a way that seems oddly fortunate.

See, were they aspected in the other direction (and given who my favorite person is) it would be a horrible catastrophe but, because it isn’t, it actually corrects the very issues the Square seems to signify, in some strange mystical way that the universe has seen fit to create.


Neptune Square Sun. The Neptune person being me, and Sun being (TMW5T) If it were aspected the opposite that it is, this could be a serious case of putting someone on a pedestal and having them try to live up to that image because they want to please the other person. Problem is, that there is no such thing as perfect, so this is a doomed to failure approach if Sun insists on seeing Neptune this way instead of as a human being. It would definitely be a problem given who my favorite person is, but, because Neptune is me and not my favorite person. This can easily be corrected as I am extremely happy with every single one of my flaws, and quite well aware of them. There is no way Sun is putting me in a pedestal…I’m way too clumsy and goofy to ever maintain that aspect. Lol

Here is the list of my Neptune’s:

(I’m on the left)

Neptune Square Sun

Neptune Square Mercury

Neptune Square Uranus

Neptune Square Pluto

(Seriously universe, you are kinda awesome)



Holy Double Whammy Batman!


(Disclaimer: I am learning Synastry Astrology by using my chart alongside the chart of my favorite (well-known) person. I have never met him, probably never will, this is just for homework because I am lame and have no boyfriend/spouse to use.)

This Synastry is making my brain melt. I just learned a little bit about double whammy in a Synastry and am currently stupified. I looked it up because the homework synastry keeps flipping. Going from Trine going one way, to going Square the other way. I found this strange, so I looked into it. Now this is getting seriously……(I can’t even decide on the proper word to use here)

There are many, many, many double whammy’s here. Is the double Yod responsible for this??

Call me completely dumbfounded.

Here is what I have so far:

(I’m still not sure what counts and what doesn’t count as double whammy other than assuming it’s interaction between planets in some manner…please correct me if you know..do Inconjunct count? Does it apply to Midheaven and Ascendant?)

Sun Opposition Venus

Venus Inconjunct Sun

Sun Opposition Mars

Mars Trine Sun

Sun Trine Jupiter

Jupiter Inconjunct Sun

Sun Trine Neptune

Neptune Square Sun

Sun Sextile Chiron

Chiron Inconjunct Sun

Sun Trine Ascendent

Ascendent Square Sun

Moon Sextile Venus

Venus Inconjunct Moon

Moon Trine Jupiter

Jupiter Inconjunct Moon

Moon Sextile Neptune

Neptune Square Moon

Moon Opposition Chiron

Chiron Square Moon

Mercury Opposition Venus

Venus Inconjunct Mercury

Mercury Opposition Mars

Mars Trine Mercury

Mars Trine Uranus

Uranus Square Mars

Saturn Conjunction True Node

True Node Sextile Saturn

Neptune Opposition Midheaven

Midheaven Square Neptune