Lasting Love is Like a Miracle

Falling in love with someone, at the same time as someone falls in love with you, must be like a miracle.

Think about it. There are so many hard things that stop you from being ready for love. Ambition, fear, confusion, and feelings of unworthiness, these are things people have to consciously overcome to find love.

I know what you might be thinking, falling in love is easy. Probably, the kind that tastes like chocolate, that kind has a short shelf-life. The real love work comes after the chocolate melts away and has been consumed. The lasting kind, the kind that feels like fate, takes a lot of preparation.

You have to work to be worthy of your own love first. We hate ourselves soo very easily. The happiest 3 days of my life will be, the day I had Z, the day I began loving me truly, and hopefully, the day I love someone at the same time he loves me.

I have thought I was in love many times, but, real love wants to do the work. Sometimes that work turns out to be the sort that was needed to help them love themselves, not you. See,  the best love has both people working, and sometimes, the person you love is too scarred to work as hard as you are. It hurts because you were all in, but they weren’t ready to love. You let yourself love them anyway, cause that’s the nature of love, but eventually your bit of help is over, and they have lessons only they can teach themselves. You walk away then, because that’s integrity. Sometimes loving yourself comes first. You realize they weren’t the forever love you needed, they were the forever lesson that you needed instead, to help you along your path to the love that’s waiting.

I’m waiting. For a miracle.

Losing track of time (in a good way).

Z is here again until Wed. I seem to lose track of time when she’s here. She and I just flow along.

We are both introverts so it might look strange to others, but we pretty much do our own thing, with occasional stops to show the other person our current vid/book/music status.

Z has the soundtrack for Hamilton memorized, which amuses me. She bonded with this totally “rad dude” in Spencers gifts over the music playing and sang the entire song list as it played throughout the store (I didn’t even know she had it memorized). I can’t call him anything but “rad dude” as it suits him. He was the clerk and his personal vibe was not like mine, but still honestly lovely. Z seemed to connect with him. Older generation meets younger. 🙂

Z is the pickiest eater on the planet. I had to take her to the store or she wouldn’t have eaten. It took me 2 days to figure that out during her previous visit a few weeks ago. She literally won’t tell you she’s only been eating chips and candy instead of food because she doesn’t like it. (I almost had a heart attack when I realized this)

I have to work and leave her here alone, but I made sure she has plenty to eat. Peaches, cheese sandwich, vegetables straws, and iced tea. Hey, whatever works!



Laurel Tree Tailors: Episode 27

Episode 27. Oh. That episode ending was soo lovely. Among my top 10 favorite K drama moments. She’s soo confused by her own feelings because she denies herself every true happiness. She can’t even let herself admit her own feelings so, he says what she doesn’t even dare to express without censoring herself “You’re upset because you like me.”

It was just such a complex understanding of who she is, at her heart. A man who sees her because he loves her. I just love that interplay. I just love that he’s decided to be brave on her behalf.

I just love when dramas get the interactions down perfectly.

I can’t wait to see more of this couple.


Thoughts on Synastry and acceptance of self

I am wondering if I shouldn’t have used my own chart for my Synastry learning.

Researching a chart connected to another person (not to mention someone I deeply admire and respect) is slightly heart-breaking. The more I learn I have in common with TMW5T, the more my heart hurts knowing I’ll never actually know him. I like him even more having seen his chart (even the difficult bits, and there were plenty, on both sides of the chart) but, there were lovely aspects too. Really sweet ones that give me hope about the kind of person I aspire to be for others.

Will I feel a loss if I never get to experience the kind of friendship and spiritual healing these charts indicate?

The aspects startle me, because they pinpoint my shadow-work extremely well. I see the areas I have so diligently delved into, trying to be a better me.

It’s odd to realize that every single step of my journey has taught me exactly what I needed to learn according to my charting. It’s like the universe has already set me on a path to be the person I am most trying to become. Every difficult life lesson has strengthened the person I am learning how to be.

I’m jealous of my chart, because it shows a friendship and closeness with this amazing person that, it would seem, is the best friend I’ve never met.

I feel blessed to know more about myself as I could be, but sad because to be that person, I have to let go of expectation.

I have confirmed within my own heart, why my favorite person is my favorite. I was right about him, and that makes me very happy in my soul. I can admire him, but I own nobody and my greatest gift is accepting and being glad simply for this beautiful thought. The chart shows me in a lovely healing light I will continue to strive towards. I will keep going. If he can, I can.

The universe watches over me. I can’t make things happen as I want. I can only appreciate that I am, inside myself, a person my favorite person might have liked to be friends with.

Perhaps that is enough for anyone.