I need a break

These changes in my life are quite welcome, but they are also quite stressful. I need a few weeks to balance my heart and mind as one.

I am going to be honest, I just can’t talk about all that my heart is working to overcome, accept and change. I’m an INFP and I need to withdraw for a few weeks and find my center.

I’ll not be posting until I feel more at ease with my changes.

B

Edit: I feel better now that I’ve written out my thoughts. I’ve posted it up above. How strange I sometimes don’t understand myself until I write out my feelings and come to understand myself as I do so. “Oh” I thought, “Ohhhhhhhh, so that’s what it was.” Being me is slightly weird.

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Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Slept badly. Too much on my mind, if I’m honest. Josh got up at 5 am, the smell of coffee had me up too. I’m already awake I might as well have some coffee.

Worked on Shay’s present. I can’t seem to find the correct color for this piece. I ran out and the number was not on the bobbin. Trying to find a match has not worked out. Everyone else says the color is close enough to the eye, but I’m damned stubborn. I’ll probably rip the old stitches and re-do the entire left side. There is no such thing as “good enough” in my vocabulary. If it can be better, I’ll make it better.

Besides, I learn more that way.

Shay was making cupcakes when I finally emerged from my grumpy fitful attempts to sleep.

She seemed out of sorts. Some of her ingredients ideas were not available, so some she’d had to improvise. I could tell she wasn’t in a mood to socialize, so I had a quick meal and returned to my room. Tomorrow is my last free day before orientation. I should be excited, new job and all, but it just feels like the beginning of a path I’ve already walked too many times. Still, it’s a job. Gratitude.

I took a bath and shaved my legs. I usually let the ‘hairy beast’ go in Winter (I have no mate to impress anyway), but I felt like I wanted soft skin again. The bath was awesome. I haven’t been able to do a proper soak in years (my other sister’s house only had a shower) it felt really good.

Jan wrote me about how much she misses me. I encouraged her to add me on her Instagram. She seems a bit sad since they announced BRU is closing. I worry about her. I see she added me, so that’s good.

Talked with Z. I haven’t talked about it on here, because it’s my daughter’s privacy, but she’s got a lot of changes ahead of her due to her life choices. I try to encourage her to believe in herself and know that she is loved. What more can a mom do? No matter what, I’m 100% on her side.

Dinner tonight was Chinese. Yum! Chicken Chow Mein. I couldn’t eat the whole thing. It was huge!

My fortune was “Your dream will come true within this year.” I found the fact that it mentioned it would be this year quite interesting. I always ask a question, in my head, before opening the cookie, so this answer made me tear up.

Cupcakes were amaze-balls! Shay used Zucchini and applesauce to reduce the sugar content. It was the freaking bomb! I don’t know what she was fussing about! They tasted great.

Now, I’m back in my room and really ready to sleep now.

I wonder what will happen tomorrow?

 

Sunday: 

I stayed up late Saturday night watching 3-4 episodes of my current K drama I Am Not A Robot. I could have watched more, but I don’t have a subscription to VIKI. The story-line has gotten to the heartbreaking part. K drama romances have a formula, but it’s kinda reassuring in a way.

I discovered I can play Wallabee on my new phone…this. is.probably. bad.

I played for 3 hours yesterday (technically it’s yesterday because its like 1:37 am right now) 3 HOURS! Am I nuts?!

Tonight we all made our own personal pan pizza’s at Shay’s. I am an introvert, but these guys really know how to get me out of my room. I used corn meal for the crust instead of rolling it on flour (tasted amazing!) I made my toppings: sauce, cheese, mushrooms, red peppers, onions, pepperoni, and sausage crumbles. I ate it while watching the Super bowl (mostly just being nosy about the ads playing this year).

Speaking about Super Bowl Ads…watching my K drama last night (Sat) when a commercial with “TMW5T” came on…startled the hell out of me as I wasn’t expecting it.

It was awesome, in case you wondered..just one tiny thing…

I have heard “TMW5T” howl before..and every time I do, I long to teach him how to do it better. We Wolf girls have been taught to howl like champions. With the right teacher he too could embarrass friends on demand whenever there is a full moon. What? It’s a life goal.

😁🐺🐺🌕🌕🌑🌑

💋💋💋

Adventures in Bekki: Well, that didn’t go as planned

I took a trial run of my bus routes today (to work and back) I wasn’t completely crazy, I had my nephew on stand-by, just in case I totally screwed up things to snot-crying proportions.

I do admit that I kinda picked the wrong day to do it. Really bad idea! -10 degrees and ended up going 30 min in the wrong direction with my walking. It took me another 30 min getting back to where I  started, only to then have to walk the correct 30 min to the destination. I then learned, (via my nephew on the phone) that I should have stayed on the bus a bit longer because it has a stop closer to my destination.  One that doesn’t require CROSSING A FOUR LANE HIGHWAY WITH NO CROSSING LIGHT OR WALKPATH!! (Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!) I ended up having to just bite the bullet and cross the highway…DO NOT RECOMMEND!

After 2 hours walking in negative temperatures my legs weren’t operating at full function. I literally felt like the tin man after a long, rusty rain. I seriously began reconsidering ever working again. “Let’s just sell our body to Science Fiction” I thought.

I got there eventually (I am one stubborn bitch!) The return bus driver sorted out my mistakes when he heard my dilemma. He explained the proper drop-off and pick-up stops for my needs. Once I got that snarl figured out, my walk was reduced to 15 min and only a tiny bit of crossing the highway (small intersection). (Only I could take 2 hours to get somewhere it only takes others 15 minutes)

I was so wind-burned and stiff, from the weather, that my legs began to hurt horribly (and when I say horribly I mean I wasn’t looking pretty…I was looking like nana after hip replacement surgery) Hobbling happened! Very sore doesn’t cover the agony of walking. My legs legitimately asked what they ever did to me and truly had no answer, so I muttered unconvincingly about making it up to them later. Hot bath…hot bath…hot bath. I promise!

My nephew picked me up at the final drop-off point and  took pity on the poor fool that is me. (I seriously gave up on looking in any way cool at this point..I looked like what I am..a 44 year old woman who pushed her body too far) He even fed me! (Creamy Parmesan Chicken…My tummy is totally humming) My nephew is a damned fine cook.

The trip is actually very easy..once I filtered through all my logistical errors (Don’t Get Off At the Mall idiot!)

On a lighter note, I finally found the color floss I was missing for my cross-stitch project! Total joy!

Now if only I could move without saying the F word.

I’ve succumbed to the 21st century

My family seems to acquaint me with the Flintstones in some way. See, I hate cell phones. They have this horrible habit of ringing and demanding you put your book away and actually answer it. ::Sigh::

I’ve used just a Kindle (and thus reliant on an internet connection to work..making for a handy excuse for not being reachable) for 7 years now. I love the Damned thing to bits.

I was massively unprepared for the extreme amount of exuberance that would greet my caving in and buying a freaking cell phone. Seriously, it’s like I announced I won the lottery. My family and my tribe demanded my phone # immediately upon hearing the news. I also got the job, in case anyone wondered.

This means if I don’t answer the phone calls and texts that people will freak out demanding to know why I haven’t answered. Therefore, I am in mourning. Slightly. I mean, I do like my cell phone..I just regard it the way one does a dentist visit. Necessary but annoying.

Tomorrow I’m doing a dry run of my bus routes to Valley View Mall. Yes, I am that anal. I have a work ethic that gets me really excellent personal  and professional references for that very reason. That right there is called planning and attention to detail!

Besides, I kinda wanna go shopping.

Capricorn for the win!

9 of cups reversed

I was concerned, but intrigued, because it fell reversed but in a favorable position of “things that can help”. I think the guides are reminding me to seek beauty in the imperfect. I am following a spiritual path, so this is obviously a new lesson to concentrate on. I’m always nit-picking trying to make things come together perfectly..but..happy accidents are kinda fun because they are not planned. I am opening my heart to myself..it’s kinda scary to be so vulnerable and trying to better my life. It brings up lots of fear.

I am having to remind myself that I have made my way from scratch before and I can again. The problem with finding the path, is that, you are reluctant to leave it once you have a good pattern going ..but circles don’t go anywhere….sigh.

I really hate lack of control. I am successful because I work so Damned hard, but sometimes you need to let things flow into places instead of using force. I have to trust and trust scares me..very much.

I will trust.

Onward.